This morning we woke up in an unusually delicious mood knowing that, by bedtime, Dr Phil would have single-handedly solved all of Britney Spears' crazy problems on his downhome self-help TV show.
It was an exciting thought – that maybe by the time we tucked ourselves up in our one big communal hecklerspray bed (head-to-toe, we're not perverts) – Dr Phil would have restored factory settings on Britney Spears, reverting her back into the Britney we love best, the provocatively-virginal schoolgirl who dressed up in pigtails and a miniskirt and asked grown men to hit her. But sadly that hasn't happened because Dr Phil has cancelled today's scheduled Britney Spears episode as a result, citing pressure from the Spears family.
Lesson learnt, Dr Phil has decided to instead do a show entitled Fine, But Don't Come Running To Me Next Time Your Minge Is All Over The Internet.
Britney Spears has been getting a lot of attention for her antics on Thursday, but who can really look inside themselves and say that they've never locked themselves in a bathroom with one of their children during a dispute with a former spouse, possibly having takensome form of substance, possibly with a gun, possibly screaming that they'd either kill themselves or their baby until the authorities arrive and they're strapped into an ambulance and taken to hospital for psychological evaluation? Can you? Can you really? Really? We thought everybody did that. No? Just Britney? Ohh, so that's what all this fuss is about.
Anyway, long story short, Britney Spears is effed. She's not allowed to see her children, her hopes of ever being a parent with equal custody are fading fast, her career's taken another dive and her new boyfriend is a paparazzo, the type of person who she usually hisses death threats at.
Clearly there's only one man in the whole world who can fix Britney Spears, and that's Dr Phil. When Britney Spears left hospital, Dr Phil was by her side, probably whispering helpful catchphrases like "Let's call a spade a shovel" and "I want you to get excited about your life." And this was due to be followed up today by Dr Phil devoting an entire episode of his TV show to trying to help Britney Spears out of her current mess.
But now it isn't happening. Right now Dr Phil is claiming that he ditched the episode because:
"The Spears situation is too intense at this time, and out of consideration to the family."
And it is considerate, too – considerate because now Britney Spears' father won't have to walk round to Dr Phil's house and throw a brick through his windows and poo through his letterbox. Life & Style magazine reports that Jamie Spears – Britney's father – wasn't entirely chuffed when he heard about the show:
"As soon as Jamie realized Dr.Phil was making public statements about Britney, including assessments of her condition, he got angry. He started making phone calls to everybody in the family, telling them not to cooperate."
So where does that leave everyone? Well, it leaves Britney Spears in exactly the same position she was in before, in so deep that she can't see where her life is going and rich enough not to care. But Dr Phil? Don't you worry about Dr Phil. This is just one minor setback on his route to world domination which will inevitably end with a hologram of his face projected onto the moon, silently judging everything anyone does.
Plus his show tomorrow is about harrowing domestic abuse involving children. And who wouldn't want to watch that?
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