So with that in mind, thank Christ that Dr Phil has taken it upon himself to personally wade in and resolve to fix Britney Spears' broken mind forever. According reports, Dr Phil managed to accompany Britney Spears home after her weird little episode on Thursday evening that ended up with her being wheeled to hospital in a stretcher for psychological tests. And Dr Phil is so hell-bent on sorting out Britney Spears' life that he's even going to do a TV show all about it tomorrow. And quite right too, because if anything's going to set Britney onto the straight and narrow it's the sight of a chubby bald man pointing at a photo of her and shouting "Let's do it! Get real!" 350 times on the trot on daytime TV.
A few days have passed now since Britney Spears was taken to hospital in a stretcher following a ridiculous standoff with Kevin Federline over custody of her children that saw six police cars, ambulances, fire trucks, helicopters, a vanload of paparazzi, those stop-motion skeletons from Jason And The Argonauts, Digby The Biggest Dog In The World, the cast of South Pacific and Batman get sent to her house in a frenzy, and finally things have started to become clear about what went down.
Apparently – based on reports of the incident that we've read from various sources – the whole malarkey started when Britney Spears refused to hand over her children to Kevin Federline at the court-appointed deadline. At that point Britney Spears either barricaded herself in a room with one of her children, both of her children or none of her children and then either took a bunch of illegal drugs, took a bunch of prescription drugs, drank some alcohol or didn't consume anything and then either threatened to kill herself, kill her children, kill her ex-husband or kill none of the above with a gun, some other sort of weapon or no weapon at all. We hope this helps.
Anyway, after whatever the hell is supposed to have happened, Britney Spears was taken to hospital for a mental evaluation to see if she suffers from a tragic mental illness or not. Since she was released from hospital on Saturday morning, we can take it that Britney Spears doesn't actually have a mental illness – meaning that she's just a bit of a twat – but that hasn't stopped Dr Phil from diving in and trying to get his face noticed.
Apparently Dr Phil – the one-time Oprah acolyte who routinely cures idiots of all sorts of life problems on his TV show by shouting bland self-help nothingisms like "This relationship needs a hero!" and "This is going to be a changing day in your life!" at them again and again like a pudgy parrot – escorted Britney Spears home from the hospital. And the experience was so moving for Dr Phil that he's going to base an entire TV show around Britney tomorrow because he loves her and not at all because he thinks that more people will watch his show if he fills it with lots of photos of Britney Spears dribbling in a stretcher. According to Dr Phil:
"My meeting with Britney and some of her family members this morning in her room at Cedars leaves me convinced more than ever that she is in dire need of both medical and psychological intervention. She was released moments before my arrival and was packing when I entered the room. We visited for about an hour before I walked with her to her car. I am very concerned for her."
There's no mention of whether Britney Spears will appear on tomorrow's edition of Dr Phil – probably because she won't but more people will watch if they think she will – but maybe some direct televised Phil-isms will be what Britney Spears needs to change her ways in any case. And if that fails, it'll be time to bring in the last-ditch heavy artillery to set her straight – we're talking Maury.