Miley Cyrus is just like any teenage girl. So long as they’ve got millions of dollars, global fame and a terrifying thirst for power, too.

So Miley Cyrus understands teenage problems. Like when your dad hogs the jacuzzi and then buys you the wrong colour pony as an apology. Or when your older boyfriend gets all like “Sorry baby, I’m flying off to Monaco for a fashion shoot,” and you’re all like “Whatever.”

And, like all teenage girls, Miley Cyrus is conscious of her weight. We know this because someone called her fat and she won’t shut up about it.

There are certain things you can and can’t say about Miley Cyrus. You can say, for instance, that Miley Cyrus’ dad has a face that looks like a human vagina. You can say that Miley Cyrus has a speaking voice that makes her sound like the baddie in a terrifying East European educational cartoon about the dangers of playing near electricity pylons from the late 1970s. You can also say that Miley Cyrus speaks so fast, so often and with such an overwhelmingly unearned air of authority that sometimes you wish she’d just lock herself in a cupboard and stay there forever.

But you can’t say that Miley Cyrus is fat.

This is because Miley Cyrus isn’t fat. Everybody knows that she isn’t fat, thanks to her constant borderline-obsessive dedication to taking half-naked pictures of herself so often that you could probably make a fairly illegal four-hour flickbook animation of her if you stapled all the photos all together.

In fact, we’d even go as far as saying that anyone who claims that Miley Cyrus is fat deserves everything they get. And since ‘everything they get’ essentially means ‘weeks and weeks of annoying, over-exaggerated yap-yap-yap-yap from Miley Cyrus’, you can tell we’re being quite hardline about this.

So when some internet critics decided to make fat jokes about Miley Cyrus after she said something about her thighs jiggling recently, it was only a matter of time before Miley did then inevitable and fired back on Twitter with as much self-righteousness as possible. Reuters reports:

“Talk all you want. I have my flaws. I’m a normal girl there’s things about my body I would change, but stop calling me f*t,” she wrote. “I don’t even like the word. Those remarks that you hateful people use are fighting words, the ones that scar people and cause them to do damage to themselves or others.” Cyrus said people spending too much time on gossip websites should read their Bible.

Jesus, you idiots. Look what you’ve done. We’re never going to hear the end of this now. Don’t you know that ‘fat’ is the worst thing you call a teenage girl like Miley Cyrus? It’s even worse than ‘self-obsessed’ and ‘deluded’ and ‘more annoying than everything else on Earth combined’.

Besides, as we’ve already said, Miley Cyrus isn’t even fat. Well, not at the moment, anyway. Give it 20 years until she starts using cakes and pies as a substitute for the drugs that she’ll invariably become addicted to at some point in the next decade, and then we’ll talk, OK?

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