Back in the 1850s when Buddhist monks invented hip hop as a way to pass the time while consuming all wisdom, it was a much friendlier genre. They had like 1,000 rhymes for the word 'sunrise', and gave the money they'd flash in their vaudeville videos to orphans after the show. Their orange-robed bald selves would likely roll in their sacred burial vaults if they knew the kind of violence their creation has devolved into.
That's right, nowadays all hip hop stars ever do is weigh their chances at sleeping with pale actresses, and think about popping out a minimum two babies at a time. Sean 'Diddy' Combs, for instance, is a prime example of what the hip hop brand is today. Why, just recently here he used his rapping might to punch some engaged kid in the jaw at a post crappy-awards show party.
Allegedly we mean. Combs punched the young lad allegedly.
Normally when hecklerspray reports on Sean Diddy Combs it's with joyous news. You remember – news like when he made his girlfriend force two people through her vaginal canal, and how he tried to turn Sienna Miller into a one night penis deposit like ten minutes later or something. Yeah, that's the kind of uplifting Diddy news we like to bring! And every single time he'd pick out a wonderful new name for himself, we were right there absolutely giddy to report it. We're always there! Giddy for Diddy. Whoa. Now you know when we bust out impeccable rhymes like that, we simply must copyright it – ™®©.
Awesome lyric-writing aside, today we are all burdened with the horrible task of telling you that in all likelihood, Sean Combs is a giant dick. Our sources tell us that Diddy was recently at some post-Oscars party when an engaged woman's fiance left her to water a bathroom drain. The woman caught Diddy's eye in a parking lot, and he began to use his magic parking lot powers on the her. Her fiance returned to find her surrounded by Diddy and six people who probably had the exact price of Combs' last album directly deducted from their pay checks. As TMZ put it:
"We're told the 5'7", 140 lb. [Gerard] Rechnitzer watched as Combs chatted up his girl for about five minutes, and then [Rechnitzer] asked his fiancee to leave with him. At that point, Combs allegedly told the woman he was having a party and invited her to come. Rechnitzer persisted and asked his fiancee again to leave with him. Combs then allegedly socked Rechnitzer in the jaw."
Bam! Just like that! Rechnitzer called the police who showed up after Combs had already left. There were about 5 witnesses to the whole fiasco, and a case has been made out of it. Rechnitzer, we know just what you're going through. Queen Latifah stepped on our foot once. We were walking into an elevator and she was walking out… you know, things happen. We didn't say anything at the time because we were under the impression she had only a limited time to live because of her one stupid movie. What we're saying is, if you need a friend to talk to, or a blog, we'll be more than happy to post things in an alternating fashion with you.
hecklerspray has even pirated the Los Angeles PD investigative report for your viewing pleasure. Check out the part that says "susp punched victim on right side of face".