Diddy is a lucky man. Not only has Diddy harnessed the power of half-heartedly mumbling over old Sting records to make more money than you can imagine, but his girlfriend has just given birth to twins, effectively increasing his fanbase by 400%.
Needless to say it's no surprise that Diddy is suddenly the father of twins, because ever since he discovered that the internet gave him the perfect way to blather on endlessly about how brilliant he is that's all he's ever talked about. Touchingly, Diddy has chosen to name his new twin girls after both his grandmother and the grandmother of his girlfriend, who he says had a giant impact on their lives. Trouble is, their grandmothers respectively appear to be a wild west outlaw cowboy and a giant rubberised Japanese lizard that's hell-bent on destruction.
Diddy's 2006 has hit all the euphoric highs and dramatic lows that you'd expect from a man who consistently releases forgettable singles with some of The Pussycat Dolls cooing in the background. For instance, thanks to some fool called Richard 'Diddy' Dearlove, it's now illegal for Diddy to call himself Diddy when he's in Britain. Luckily Diddy has got round this by referring to himself as Sainte-Hélène-de-Bagot after the small municipality in southwestern Quebec. Also, Diddy was forced to pay $19,000 a month in child support for one of his semi-forgotten children, so you'd think the last thing Diddy would want was more kids.
But that's where you'd be wrong. In September Diddy used his new love of the internet to tell the world that his girlfriend Kim Porter was pregnant with his baby. That announcement was followed up with another one where Diddy giddily told everyone that he was having twins. And then another one where Diddy even more giddily told everyone that he was having twin girls. And now there's been a flood of information yelping and bellowing that Diddy is now the proud father of two baby twin girls, after Kim Porter gave birth yesterday. First came Diddy's obligatory MySpace post, where he said:
"Wanted to tell you first, I'm at the hospital right now and Christmas came early this morning when Kim gave birth to two healthy beautiful twin girls!!! Thank you for all your support this year! I love y'all!"
Then came this slightly less excitable statement that Diddy slave Robert Zimmerman gave to E! Online:
"Diddy had a plane on standby in Toronto, where he is filming Raisin in the Sun, and made it just in the nick of time for the delivery. Both Kim and the girls are doing great."
But what about the names of Diddy's twin girls? Well luckily – and this is completely true – one of Diddy's Bad Boy slaves emailed hecklerspray this, from Diddy himself, which had the subject How Do You Name Royalty?:
In honor of the 2 people to have incredibly impacted me and Kim's lives……
We're proud to announce that we are NAMING the twins after our beloved grandmothers….
Kim's grandmother's name is LIila Star.
My grandmother's name.was Jessie Smalls…
LADIES AND GENTLEMAN…
****PLEASE WELCOME TO THE WORLD****
5 lbs….19 1/4 inches
D'Lila Star Combs
5 lbs/4 oz….19 1/2 inches
Jessie James Combs
WATCH OUT WORLD!!!!
GOD is the Greatest……
All the Time!!!!!!!
God is the Greatest
Read that? God is the greatest all the time, not just some of the time like you probably think. It's endearing to see that, as a celebrity, Diddy feels the need to fuck about with two perfectly good names, isn't it? Their grandmothers were called Lilia and Jesse, but instead of just calling his twin girls Lilia and Jesse, Diddy decided to give them twonky names like D'Lila and Jesse James. When we said endearing just now we meant really really stupid, by the way.
Anyway, the main point here is this: Oooh! Look! Look! Diddy sort of wrote to hecklerspray! We now await Diddy's Christmas present to us with open arms. At least it has to be better than the shit 50 Cent got us – that edition of Screwball Scramble was clearly second-hand.