In today's ramshackled, fast-paced society, it's easy to get lost in the buzz and whir of the hand-crafted technology we surround ourselves with. It wasn't like that a long time ago though.
No – our ancestors had no such electricals to speak of. Their main concern was a bit more primitive, but mandatory for the time. What got top social billing then was clearly marking all your property. And of course, the chief way they did this was to touch their genitals all over whatever they were trying to claim as their own – like rocks and stuff.
This age-old need was so impressed in our ancestors that it actually became genetic – rearing its head occasionally even in today's hi-tech world. For instance in hecklerspray HQ, the toaster clearly belongs to CJ Davies, if you know what we're saying. And the fridge – the device itself is Stu's while the meat inside belongs to either Laverty or Laidlow. We'll know for sure once the pubes get back from analysis. Hyde doesn't own anything in the office because girls don't have genitalia. Of course this means her cube is much easier to organise than the rest of ours.
Oh, and Charlie Sheen does the penis press all over his property too – at least according to his ex-wife Denise Richards. She says he pulls it out to touch his webcam. While its on.
You dig?
The Denise Richards/Charlie Sheen divorce has more chapters than a Harry Potter book. It's got the chapter where maybe Chuck murdered a woman who'd never ever been defiled by the lusts of men or something, it's got the chapter where Denise started dating the drummer from Slayer or something, and most importantly it's got the chapter where Richards definitely has a fine crop of facial hair. No 'or something' needed for that one.
But the book's going in a different direction now. Now child custody hearings are invoking the power only Charlie Sheen pressing his man-nanna into the lens of a fully functioning webcam can bring – according to Denise anyway. Access Hollywood details some of her freshly filed court documents:
"The filings are filled with explosive accusations against Sheen, with Richards claiming her ex-husband still exhibits “inappropriate behavior… and conduct,” including “his attraction to underage women and his sexual explicitness on the Internet, including revealing his private parts.”
Richards is using her keen-Sheen webcam knowledge to try to get Charlie's overnight daughter visits terminated. How exactly Richards knows about Sheen's alleged internet activities is unknown. Heaven knows she didn't see it on her laptop – we're pretty sure that things still hurtling towards a wheelchair bound grandma.
Maybe a friend told her about it. After all, last week over eight million people saw Sheen's giant chonker vehemently defend Britney Spears in a Youtube video. Surely Richards must know someone who saw it.
And you know, that's just the kind of info people pass on.
Read More:
Sheen Angry At Richards' Child Protection Request – SFGate