Fans of undiluted harrowing spectacle, rejoice! David Hasselhoff is about to make your wildest dreams come true.
Possibly. It depends on whether or not your wildest dreams involve remaking Requiem For A Dream to include more scenes of semi-ironic 1980s heartthrobs rolling around and trying to eat a hamburger off the floor without a shirt on while their audibly distressed daughter cries and pleads for them to stop. We know that’s our wildest dream, anyway.
And we have cable network A&E to thank for this wish fulfilment. The network has just commissioned ten episodes of a new reality show starring the hilariously troubled David Hasselhoff. It’ll be so bad it’s good! Or so bad we’ll gradually lose all faith in humanity and end up throwing ourselves off a bridge as a protest against the utter despairing futility of it all! One or the other!
David Hasselhoff is no longer a judge on America’s Got Talent, and there’s a whole list of reasons why that’s terrible news. For instance:
*It means that Piers Morgan will get more screentime.
*It means that David Hasselhoff will have more time to concentrate on his musical career.
*It means that Piers Morgan will get more screentime.
*It means that David Hasselhoff won’t get to end each season with one of those song and dance numbers that were clearly meant to remind all the performers that they don’t even know the meaning of the word abominable.
*Look, mainly it’s Piers Morgan. We just don’t like his face, OK?
However, just because David Hasselhoff has moved on from America’s Got Talent, it doesn’t mean that he’s going to disappear from our lives forever. Why, just yesterday it was announced that David Hasselhoff has been given his own reality show on A&E – the network that gave you Dog The Bounty Hunter and Steven Seagal: Lawman. We’ll let Reuters do the explaining:
A&E said on Wednesday it had ordered 10 half-hour episodes of the untitled series about the hunky actor nicknamed “The Hoff.” The new series will focus on Hasselhoff’s business ventures and his role as a divorced father trying to guide his teenage daughters as they look to break into the recording industry. “It’s the dream of every parent to be able to help their children succeed,” Hasselhoff said in a statement.
Oh, thank God. For a moment there we thought the David Hasselhoff reality show would be a bad idea – full of scenes where David Hasselhoff drunkenly fails to eat burgers from a hotel room carpet, or scenes where David Hasselhoff urinates down himself at an airport, or scenes where David Hasselhoff drunkenly starts fights at sporting events, or drunkenly causes himself to be to taken to hospital to be treated for alcohol abuse – but we’ve changed our mind. It’s actually a show about David Hasselhoff’s daughters trying to become popstars. There’s nothing depressing about that at all.
Still, we’re sure the show will be a great success. After all, Steven Seagal: Lawman proved that audiences love watching past-their-prime actors do things that you wouldn’t expect them to, so we’re sure this formula will be repeated with the Hasselhoff show. Admittedly in David Hasselhoff’s case, by ‘things you wouldn’t expect them to,’ we mean stuff like ‘standing upright’ and ‘speaking lucidly’ and ‘not burping sick into his own mouth in the middle of sentences’ – but you have to take what you can get, right?
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JoeMomma says
Well they gave Steven Segal a show (Steven Segal – Lawman) so why not? Has anyone even seen it? That looks like a total train wreck.