hecklerspray has always loved magic – the mystery of it all is entrancing. At the same time, we've always hated aging – we're nary two years old and already developed crow's feet.
Our disdain for one and infatuation with the other both run deep. Imagine then, our frustration when nobody's ever pulled a rabbit out of a hat while shoving a baby back up her mother's privy. It's so frustrating – until now that is. That's right, 80s style poofy-haired magic and Ponce De Leon are finally colliding in what is sure to be neat-o.
Because David Copperfield has discovered the fountain of youth. And we mean that quite literally, as that thar headline should imply.
Magician-ship must be a real good job. Think about it, you get to cut stuff in half, date Claudia Schiffer, foil muggers with with your dazzling trickery and drop 50 million dollars on a group of four islands near the Bahamas like it was nothing. As if that's not enough, the government supposedly matches your 401 K up to 5%.
On top of that, your whimsical island purchase sometimes ends up having the fountain of youth secreted somewhere in one of its moister patches. That's what David Copperfield's claiming anyway, he's said as much in several quotes, like this one:
"I've discovered a true phenomenon… You can take dead leaves, they come in contact with the water, they become full of life again… Bugs or insects that are near death, come in contact with the water, they'll fly away. It's an amazing thing, very, very exciting."
It makes sense though. For almost five minutes now, the internet's been amok with rumours Dave's got some sort of a insectoid medical degree which would allow him to tell the exact moment a bug is close to death. Not doornail dead, mind you – but almost.
Copperfield, obviously, understands if the world remains a bit dubious of his claim, and he's takes measures to scientifically back them up. With a cape and a wand. Not really, there's no wand here, but he really did hire biologists and geologists to examine the effects the fountain may have on people, and to study from where the fountain springs. And then to maybe work the fields of his newly acquired massive banana plantation.
So far no people have been allowed to drink or swim in the fountain. The fact that there are no living-breathing thousand year old natives still moaning about the whole Christopher Columbus land-rape thing, well that apparently holds no sway on arguments pro or con.
Dave, Mr. Copperfield, you're going about this all wrong. Biologists aren't gonna prove anything to anybody, c'mon, you know that! What you need is a quick test visible and obvious to the whole world. You need to find something renowned for being scraggled and extremely decrepit. What you need is something so hideously aged and disfigured that no doubt could possibly remain in the world's mind when said subject emerges from the fountain not nauseating at all.
Might we suggest Madonna's hands – H&M might pay.
[story by Shawn Lindseth]