The Christie Brinkley divorce has been such a long time coming that we were starting to think there had been an amicable settlement or something equally horrific.

Thankfully, though, there hasn't – and next week Christie Brinkley's soon-to-be ex-husband Peter Cook will find out that revenge is a dish best served cold. In public. That gets as legally close to indelibly branding 'I cheated on my wealthy former supermodel wife with a girl I met in a toystore' across his big stupid head as possible.

And what's more, the toystore girl in question – Diana Bianchi – is ready to truthfully testify if she's called to the divorce court. But only if she's called at certain times of the day – you won't get a peep out of her if the testimony clashes with Teletubbies.

Christie Brinkley has been married a bunch of times, and her husbands have all done their best to show her how special she is to them.

Billy Joel famously wrote Uptown Girl for her, for example, while Brinkley's most recent husband Peter Cook, um, had it off with an 18-year-old girl he met at a toy shop. It's sort of the same thing, except that it's slightly more difficult to claim 50 per cent of the royalties from an ill-advised mid-life crisis bunk-up with a teenager than from a catchy middle of the road doo-wop pastiche.

You'll remember, of course, that it was the talk of the town when Christie Brinkley split up with her architect husband Peter Cook back in 2006. Nobody could quite believe that any man would dare cheat on his wife – a wife who still has the physical wherewithal to co-endorse exercise equipment with the mighty Chuck Norris – with a pert-bodied teenager. Not least Christie Brinkley.

And, fair play to Christie Brinkley, she seems to want nothing less from the divorce than both of Peter Cook's testicles in a box. First Christie made Peter apologise in a public newspaper and then ignored him, then she forced the divorce trial into the public and now she's making the little floozy who destroyed her marriage – Diana Bianchi – testify against him in court. The New York Daily News reports:

Diana Bianchi has been subpoenaed to testify about her affair with the ex-supermodel's estranged husband, 47-year-old architect Peter Cook, her attorney said Sunday night. "I think her episode with Mr. Cook was one of the catalysts for this," Bianchi's attorney, Joseph Tacopina, told the Daily News. "All I can say is that if she is called to testify then she'll testify truthfully."

That 'episode', as it's so callously referred to, was a breathtakingly romantic whirlwind the likes of which can only happen when a married man meets a girl in a toy shop, quickly employs her as his personal assistant and possibly promises her that he'll help make her a famous singer even though he's an architect, a profession which traditionally doesn't have too much of a crossover into the world of music. We could go on, but we're welling up. It's just so beautiful.

Anyway, we all know how this will pan out – Christie Brinkley will use Diana Bianchi to show the world what a cold-hearted philanderer Peter Cook is, Peter Cook will be humiliated in public and Diana Bianchi will have found the perfect launchpad for her musical career. Everyone wins.

Except for Peter Cook, obviously. And Diana Bianchi, who'll release one single on a tidal wave of hype based on her tabloid notoriety and then flop spectacularly. And all of us, because we'll have to listen to the bloody thing – which is bound to be a slice of sub-Popozao R&B called something like Who's The Uptown Girl Now? – before it flops.

But so long as Christie Brinkley is happy, eh?