China Bans Avatar, Chinese Stoners Devastated

AvatarSome say that Avatar will soon become the most popular movie of all time – but not if China has its way.

To China, Avatar is a threat. Chinese authorities have grown displeased at the central message of Avatar – which is either ‘the white man will save you, primitive savages’ or ‘all white men are evil’ or ‘nature is beautiful’ or ‘it’s fun to spiritually connect with horses by shoving your hair up their bum’ – and have started to ban it from cinemas.

But it’s too late. Avatar‘s cultural revolution will not be stopped. Now, switched on by Avatar, millions of Chinese people are furious that their government is standing in the way of their God-given right to watch 3D films that are too long and based on hacky Hallmark-style sentiments about woolly, ill-defined spiritualism. And this is how Communism ends.

If we could pick our dream job, it’d probably have to be ruler of China. Seriously, it’d be such a blast – unless we’re mistaken, it doesn’t seem to involve anything more than swanning around the place banning things willy-nilly. Why, in just the last few years China has banned Bjork for being outspoken about Tibet, Jay-Z for being vulgar, The Da Vinci Code for its religious subversion and Sharon Stone because Sharon Stone is a colossal braindead monkey-humper.

And now it’s the turn of Avatar, the film that literally everyone’s calling ‘quite pretty, but a bit too long and probably not as good as something like Spaceballs‘. There’s a possibility that within the next few weeks, Avatar will become – if not the biggest film in history – then certainly the biggest film about a blue Thundercat with magical hair poncing around an enchanted forest. But that hasn’t stopped the Chinese authorities from banning it.

Why? Are the Chinese authorities worried that Avatar‘s radical political message – that being nice to people is quite good – will kickstart a revolution? Were they worried about Avatar‘s pro-smoking agenda? Did they become concerned about intellectual property violations because Avatar‘s giant flying pike thing looked like something that came from one of China’s polluted lakes?

No. The truth is that China only screens 20 non-domestic films a year, and only then for no longer than 10 days at a time. Avatar simply came to the end of its state-regulated run and is being therefore replaced by a domestic movie, which is quite a boring reason, really. Sorry. Still, some Chinese people are awfully narked off about it, as The New York Times reports:

Liu Chang, a 25-year-old marketing coordinator, said protecting the domestic film industry would not make Chinese films more popular. “It is obvious that Chinese movies are not as good as those blockbusters,” she said as she waited for an afternoon showing of “Avatar” in Beijing. “We have to admit this.” The domestic film being released, “Confucius,” is loosely based on the philosopher’s life.

See? What are you Chinese idiots complaining about? You might be missing out of a breathtaking 3D epic that looks set to go down in history as one of the most-watched movies in all of history, but you’re getting a biopic about a beardy old bloke who babbles about etiquette quite a lot. That sounds amazing. Honestly, you Chinese morons don’t even know you’re born.

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Comments

  1. sunny says

    Hi, Stuart, I’m Chinese and I just finish watching the film Avatar, too many people at the cinema that I have to wait for two weeks to get the tickets. And both 3D and 2D avaliable. So just wondering where you hear this kind of information?

    And please check out the truth before you post any article, that is not the way of the right action. Thanks.