Not so long ago, Busta Rhymes was alleged to have duffed up so many poor suckers that we thought he'd easily wind up in jail.
However, Busta Rhymes isn't going to jail at all. Earlier today, Busta Rhymes copped to a plea deal that means he'll have to do 10 days of community service for attacking an employee and a fan instead of the full one year jail stretch.
But ha! The joke's on you, Busta Rhymes – sure, you might have thought that 10 days of community service is the easy option, but as a celebrity if you'd have settled for jail you'd have only actually been locked up for 23 minutes and a lovely cup of tea. Nice one, durr-brain.
Busta Rhymes is like a walking moral that today's youth can learn from. And that moral is 'don't keep quiet when your bodyguard is murdered' because if you do, police will arrest you time and time again for every little mistake you make and you might wind up in jail.
Obviously there's Busta Rhyme's secondary moral, which is 'don't go round beating people up because you haven't paid their wages or they spat on your car' because that makes you look a bit of a dick. And you might wind up in jail. Listen to Busta Rhymes, kids.
Sadly, Busta Rhymes doesn't listen to the pieces of his own advice that we just put in his mouth. After being arrested for beating up one of his drivers who he hadn't paid and another man who spat on his car – plus just about being illegal in every single other way there is – Busta Rhymes has been staring jail in the face over the last few months.
What made Busta Rhymes' jail sentence more inevitable was the way that he refused all plea bargains for fear that his masculinity would diminish so much he may as well just go out wearing a T-shirt reading 'I'm Busta Rhymes And My Penis Is The Size Of A Baby's Amputated Fingertip.'
So it goes without saying that earlier today Busta Rhymes caved in and accepted a plea deal to keep him out of jail like a big blouse-wearing baby Jemima who cries and wets the bed and rides ponies around her fairytale courtyard. The New York Post reports:
Rapper Busta Rhymes cut a deal with prosecutors today that keeps him out of jail for two misdemeanor assault charges. Prosecutors wanted Rhymes, whose real name is Trevor Smith, to spend one year behind bars. Instead, he'll do 10 days of community service. Rhymes also faced driving with a suspended license and driving while intoxicated charges. He will lose his license for six months and must enroll in a DWI program.
Busta Rhymes can certainly count himself lucky that he was still even allowed to accept a plea deal given his previous numptiness. But let's not reflect on the past – let's reflect on what Busta Rhymes' community service will be.
In the past Busta has stated that he wants to share his knowledge with the kids of today, but the judge is hardly going to go along with that, unless he wants all the kids of today to be expertly schooled in the various ways you can boneheadedly beat someone up while yapping "Flipmode!" over and over like an especially violent parrot.
No, chances are Busta Rhymes will be given some sort of menial cleaning-based community service. In which case, let's hope that Busta Rhymes doesn't use his own spit to lubricate the cleaning process at any point, because Busta Rhymes hates that and will probably beat himself up for doing it, and then they'll both probably end up in jail.
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