Last year’s MTV VMAs marked the precise moment when Britney Spears’ life went from ‘amusingly wonky’ to ‘toe-curling and nightmarish’.
People still talk about Britney’s VMA performance of Gimme More with the glazed tremble of a war survivor. The bikini, the drawn-on stomach, the stumbling, the dire miming – as well as effectively ending Britney Spears’ career for good it also caused up to 300 unwitting viewers to completely lose their eyesight.
Clearly, then, Britney Spears would be stupid to ever return to the MTV VMAs. Worse than stupid, in fact – Britney Spears would be showing such a profound lack of self-awareness that she should be encased in ice and sent around schools as a warning to future generations of the negative effects of celebrity.
So what might Britney Spears do at this year’s MTV VMAs? That’s right. Oh, don’t look so surprised.
Over the last couple of years, Britney Spears’ life has descended into a kind of thick featureless bad news goo – like a traffic pile-up so vast you can’t even see the individual car wrecks any more, just a mottled ocean of twisted metal that stretches off to the horizon in all directions.
Despite this, though, a few moments still stick out as being particularly rubbish. There was the time that Britney Spears shaved all her hair off, for example – that was the horrible harbinger for everything to come. Then there was the time Britney went to a mental hospital and was diagnosed as Gravely Disabled, the closest Britney’s come so far to hitting rock bottom.
And then there was Britney Spears’ performance at the MTV VMAs last year.
It’s almost been a year since Britney Spears decided to open the MTV VMAs with a spectacular comeback performance of her then new song Gimme More. There were rumours that the routine was going to be a career-high showstopper designed to silence the critics, featuring magic and fireworks and explosions. That’s not what we got, though.
What we got was Britney Spears in rancid hair extensions, wearing the least flattering bikini in creation and abs airbrushed onto her stomach. Britney stumbled around cluelessly for three minutes, looking like she barely knew her own name, let alone the words to her song, and then ran offstage in tears knowing that she’d become a monumental global joke.
It was awful. So needless to say she might be doing it all over again in a couple of months. The San Francisco Chronicle reports:
Troubled pop star Britney Spears will have another chance to storm the MTV stage, after receiving a nomination for this year’s Video Music Awards. The star has been nominated by network bosses in the category of Best Female Video for her hit single “Piece of Me,” competing alongside a list of music’s top female rockers.
OK, so it’s just a nomination for now, but MTV bosses must want her to sing – a performance by Britney Spears would get them more publicity than anything else on Earth. And, you know what, it might not be such a bad idea. Here’s why:
1) Britney Spears has just done that tour video for Madonna. If that doesn’t set up a redo of their lesbian VMA kiss from five years ago, nothing will.
2) Britney can wear clothes properly now. That’s a start.
3) Now that she’s firmly under the care of her family, Britney Spears can concentrate fully on the performance without distraction.
4) Britney’s lost her kids forever. See above.
5) This is the most important one. No matter what Britney Spears does during her MTV VMA performance this year, it can never ever ever be as bad as last year. She can go round shitting into nuns’ eyes if she likes. No, no she can’t. She should.
Dude says
Hi. I think you guys are being total ASS HOLES!
nun yo bizness says
i would rather have had a nun shit in my eyes then waste my time reading this garbage.
Oliver says
Britney didn’t lose her kids forever dumbass! It’s just temporary until she gets out of her father’s conservatorship.
evilcl0ne says
‘nun yo bizness’ I can’t work out if you didn’t like the article or you just have a rather pressing fetish party to get to!
Mithaearon says
Woot all 3 of Britney’s fans have posted here.
Gilbert Wham says
What’s a conservatorship? Is that like a glass-bottomed boat? Why are her kids in it?