Bristol Palin is our hero. She’s living proof that unplanned teenage pregnancy can be crazy lucrative.
Forget school or on-the-job training. Bristol Palin knows only too well that the best way to get ahead in life is to drop your knickers and have as much unprotected sex as possible. After all, if it wasn’t for her pregnancy then Bristol Palin would never have just scored a role on ABC Family show The Secret Life Of The American Teenager. She’s in the money!
However, Bristol Palin doesn’t want to solely be known as a teenage mother. That’s why she’s also angling for roles on shows that will reflect other aspects of her personality, like The Secret Life Of Levi Johnston’s Ex-Girlfriend and The Secret Life Of The Daughter Of One Of The Most Ridiculous Women On The Planet.
We’d like to apologise to Bristol Palin for the last three paragraphs. What we said was out of line and we’d like to offer a full retraction, for no other reason than because it’ll stop her mother from popping up on a 24-hour news channel and dribbling out a handful of faux-outraged half-sentences about the ill we cause to society. Deal? Deal.
Really, though, we do feel sorry for Bristol Palin. Everyone else has profited from the fact that she got knocked up at the age of 17 during her mother’s ludicrous abstinence-based election bid. Sarah Palin used it as a way to prove her hard-fought family woman credentials. Levi Johnston, Bristol’s babydaddy, used it as a way to both advertise nuts and put his genitals on display. We’re profiting from it now, by hoping that the mention of Sarah Palin’s name alone will be enough to ensure that all kinds of angry, cross-eyed wingnuts leave lots of hilariously misspelt comments underneath.
But Bristol Palin hasn’t profited from her baby at all. Well, OK, technically she has – she’s set up a consultancy firm largely on the back of her new-found post-baby pro-abstinence stance – but forget all that. Because now Bristol Palin is going to be a star! She’s all lined up to appear in ABC Family show The Secret Life Of The American Teenager as… wait for it… a single mother. The Los Angeles Times reports:
ABC Family announced Tuesday that Bristol, the oldest daughter of former Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin, will play herself on an episode of “The Secret Life of the American Teenager,” a drama about a teenager who becomes pregnant. The episode, which airs this summer, will feature 19-year-old Palin as a friend of Amy (Shailene Woodley) attending a music program for teen mothers.
Now, we’ll admit that we’ve never seen a single episode of The Secret Life Of The American Teenager, but casting Bristol Palin seems like a masterstroke from an educational perspective. After all, what reaction could the show’s young viewers possibly have upon seeing her, other than “Holy shit, I never in a million years want to be anything like that”? Genius.
Steve says
Wow, the girl who wrote this must have some sand in her vagina. Lighten up, sweetie, someday somebody will notice you.
Brian says
Wow, the guy who left this comment must not have noticed the name/picture of the male writer.
Sunny says
Hehehe the girl that wrote this… Steve that’s funny.
Steve says
Well Brian, the name “Stuart” is traditionally male, but people name their kids all sorts of weird things these days. The picture is decidedly non-conclusive as to gender, but most closely resembles a young Chastity Bono. I was strictly looking at the content of the article, and assumed that there was no way this catty jealous screech was written by a male. I could be wrong, of course. Traditional gender indicators have blurred over the years, which has been cheered by those with blurry gender indicators. If the author does indeed sport a unit, I apologize to him/her.
The Scumbag says
Everything about this comment is brilliant.
hrh says
Brillian! And embarrassingly accurate.
Mr Heritage should prepare himself for “all kinds of angry, cross-eyed wingnuts leav(ing) lots of hilariously misspelt comments,” also, too.
Mrs. Tarquin Biscuitbarrel says
Also, too, I agree with Her Majesty above: Prepare for a storm of poorly spelled wingnut saliva.
Brilliant post!
stella says
I guess some people wish they had a vagina, others dream of banging every underage girl that comes their way. As for the Palin brat — like mother, like daughter.
lilywhite says
Yup, Stuart called it! Let the wingnuttery commence!