Is it just us, or has the sexual tension between Sarah Palin and Levi Johnston become too much to take?

It’s just us? Oh fine, spoil our dreams. Anyway, Sarah Palin and Levi Johnstone have spent the last few days lobbing grenades at each other in the media. Levi – the father of Sarah Palin’s illegitimate grandchild – has accused Palin of referring to her youngest child, who has Downs syndrome, as ‘retarted’, and Sarah Palin has responded by getting all “He’s not retarded, you’re retarded” back at him. We’re paraphrasing.

But Levi Johnston will have the last laugh – he’s allowed a man to photograph his genitals for cash. Top that, Palin. Actually, don’t.

You know, we may have got Levi Johnston wrong. In the last few weeks, as he unveiled his pistachio commercial and announced that he was getting his todger out for Playgirl, we compared him to Kevin Federline – a barely-there celebrity who got famous by knocking up someone inappropriate and has been desperately clinging onto his rapidly-diminishing status ever since. But that’s not the case at all.

You see, in actual fact Levi Johnston is Jon Gosselin. And it turns out that Sarah Palin is Kate Gosselin. It’s true – like the Gosselins, Levi Johnston and Sarah Palin have realised that the only way they’ll ever be able to stay famous is to badmouth each other through the media as much as they humanly can. Seriously, the only things stopping them from being identical to the Gosselins are Levi Johnston’s lack of hairplugs and Sarah Palin’s lack of a dreadful grating voic…. well, OK, maybe it’s just the hairplug thing.

But anyway, the latest round of this Johnston/ Palin rumble – neatly coinciding with the release of Sarah Palin’s forthcoming autobiography – got going during Levi Johnston’s interview with CBS’s The Early Show, where he described how Sarah Palin apparently likes to refer to her son Trig, who has Downs syndrome:

“She’ll be coming home from work, and she’ll be like ‘Where’s my retarded baby?’ and all this.”

And this, of course, meant that Sarah Palin got to dust off her trusty old outraged face and release this statement in response:

“We have purposefully ignored the mean spirited, malicious and untrue attacks on our family. We, like many, are appalled at the inflammatory statements being made or implied. Trig is our ‘blessed little angel’ who knows it and is lovingly called that every day of his life… Consider the source of the most recent attention-getting lies. Those who would sell their body for money reflect a desperate need for attention and are likely to say and do anything for even more attention.”

It goes without saying that either Sarah Palin or Levi Johnston is lying here, but which one is it? Oh, who cares. So long as they both end up starring in a hilarious Odd Couple-style reality TV show, then we’ll be happy not knowing.

What’s more, it’s important to remember none of this would be happening if Sarah Palin and Levi Johnston didn’t both have something to sell at the moment. One of them, for instance, is selling a gratuitous and unnecessary load of cock and balls. But aside from Sarah Palin’s autobiography, Levi Johnston is also posing naked for a porno mag quite soon.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter