The world wants Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie to get married so badly that it'll pretty much believe anything.
Like that Brad Pitt/ Angelina Jolie wedding that was supposed to have taken place in New Orleans on Saturday, for example. You know, the one that never happened.
Star magazine, which claimed Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie got married on Saturday, has now admitted that the whole report was a bunch of cobblers all along. The Pitt/Jolie non-wedding is pretty much good news for all sorts of reasons, though. Not only will it allow for another furiously inept media scrum the next time Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie don't get married, but – girls – this means that you can start kidding yourselves that you have a shot at Brad Pitt again! Exciting!
The list of Brad Pitt/ Angelina Jolie non-weddings is as long as it is tear-jerking. Who could possibly forget that time that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie didn't get married in a Buddhist ceremony in Los Angeles? It was a beautiful service. And then there was the time that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie didn't get married in Italy – the best man's speech really was a hoot and a half. And then there was the wax Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie non-wedding. That wasn't so good. The cake tasted like wax. In fact, now we come to think of it, it wasn't a cake at all. It was a slice of wax Jeremy Beadle's head. Urgh.
But however beautiful the past Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie non-weddings were, they couldn't possibly shine a light on Saturday's Pitt-Jolie non-wedding. That was the pretend wedding to end all pretend weddings – we know this because Star magazine said so.
According to Star, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie got married in New Orleans this weekend and it was lavish. So lavish, in fact, that the wedding actually managed to somehow loop through all conventional notions of time and space and ended up never having actually existed at all. According to the New York Daily News:
Star magazine breathlessly reported over the weekend that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie had finally tied the knot in a lavish ceremony in New Orleans. When other reporters could find no evidence of the nuptials, Star editor Candace Trunzo insisted to the Daily News that the mag's sources were rock-solid. Sunday afternoon, faced with denial upon denial, Star finally backed off. "After further investigation, the sources are not standing by their story," Star wrote in a terse retraction on its Web site. Trunzo did not return calls for comment on the soured scoop, but her competition was more than happy to stick it to her. Us Weekly magazine declared the story utter "bulls–t."
But does this non-wedding mean that Brad pitt and Angelina Jolie really are getting married soon, or is this just another total fabrication on the magazine's part? There have been recent reports that a Pitt-Jolie wedding isn't too far off, and we can only pray that these reports are accurate.
Because if Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie really do get married then it means that when they inevitably split up there'll be a messy divorce, and we've had a divorce-shaped hole in our lives ever since the McCartney-Mills divorce ended. Plus if Brad and Angelina get married then it means that any future adoptions will miss the step where Brad Pitt petitions for legal guardianship and, as we all know, stories about technicalities in international adoption law are as dull as shit.
Most of all, though, we want Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie to get married soon because we're pretty certain that Jennifer Aniston will spontaneously combust the instant they do. Make it happen, Brangeloni.
Read more: