We’re not joking. Lock your doors, strap down your children and only go to sleep if you’re wearing full body armour – Foxy Brown is out of jail.
On Friday afternoon Foxy Brown was finally set free from Riker’s Island jail, where she’d been serving time for probation violation stemming from a fight with some manicure workers.
And, although the world has changed drastically in the eight months since she was first imprisoned, Foxy Brown has gone all out to prove that she’s changed even more. In fact, Foxy Brown has publicly stated that she believes God put her in jail for a reason. Which is actually true – it’s just that the reason happened to be that Foxy Brown is a mental lunatic who couldn’t be more violent if you cross-bred her with a wasp.
Life’s probably been a bit cushy for you over the last eight or so months, hasn’t it? You’ve been able to walk the streets without worrying that an angry midget would jump out and thump you in the face with a mobile phone, or that a customer in your shop would throw such a tantrum that only a rugby-tackling policeman can shut her up.
Well we hope you enjoyed the freedom, because it’s business as usual again. Foxy Brown – the female rapper with more indiscriminate fury per square inch than the Cloverfield monster, Vinnie Jones and this cat combined – was released from jail on Friday after serving eight months including a lengthy stretch in solitary confinement. So if you own a manicure bar, or a beauty supplies shop or a face that Foxy Brown doesn’t like the look of, then watch out – Foxy Brown’s vengeance will be sustained and furious.
Except, wait, no – you won’t be getting any of that from Foxy Brown at all. It turns out that Foxy Brown found God in jail. Apparently he’s doing a 20-stretch for aggravated kidnapping. Oh, not really, but she did find him in jail and as a result she’ll never do anything bad again, as People reports:
Brown… cried as she hugged friends. She even singled out a couple people, saying, “These are my two number one fans. They are like family.” … “My family never missed a visit in eight months, ever. I cried coming out. I didn’t cry coming in. There’s a big difference. I believe that God put me there for a reason, Incarceration is serious,” she told Access Hollywood. Adding that the first place she wanted to go after her “learning experience” was church. “He got me through,” she said.
It’ll be interesting to see how this new religion affects Foxy Brown, especially in her performances. After all, it might be a bit difficult to put a pro-God spin on songs like Ride (Down South), Baller Bitch and Run Yo Shit. But if anyone can do it, it’ll be someone with the fierce intellect of Foxy Brown, we’re sure.
In fact, if God got Foxy Brown through jail, perhaps he can get her to help him out in the outside world, too. Statistically not many of you reading this will go to church, but that’d probably change if a violent midget dressed as a prostitute knocked on your door and threatened to beat your face to a pulp with a Blackberry if you didn’t show up on Sunday, admit it.
Basically what we’re saying is that Foxy Brown is like an updated version of John The Baptist, but slightly more hookerish to look at. We’re pleased you’re out, Foxy. Don’t hurt us.
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Shawn Lindseth says
“…cross-bred her with a wasp.”
Absolute classic.
gir says
Bring me the head of Foxy Brown. The rest you can keep.
mst3kster says
I don’t think this whole “I found God” thing is going to last. Foxy’s the type of person that if you breathe wrong around her, you could be killed to death.
gir says
The thing is, she found the Old Testament God. Y’know, the one with the plagues and the smiting and all that.
The new plagues will be Foxy Brown albums with religious overtones, and the new smiting will be incisor extraction via Blackberry.
euclid says
FB = The Jesus Pimp
Stabby McGee says
Killed to death?
Killed to death?!
Killed to DEATH?!!?!
KILLED TO DEATH?!?!?!?!?!?!
Rob Delaney says
Who’d win in a Foxy Brown/ Naomi Campbell face off?
And which can throw a phone furthest and most accurately? Moving targets at 30 yards. WE NEED TO KNOW.