It’s Cher who we feel most sorry for, of course. We thought that Cher had the Batman 3 Catwoman role all sewn up.
But, no, Megan Fox had to waltz in and snatch it from her. Damn you, Megan Fox. What’s your Catwoman going to like, huh? All young and sexy, probably. Well that’s not good enough – we wanted Batman 3 to feature a doddery 63-year-old Catwoman dressed in a vicar’s doily who’d been scientifically reconstructed from scraps of medical waste. And now you’ve spoilt it, Megan Fox. Because you’re the new Catwoman, aren’t you?
Aren’t you? What’s that? Probably not? Oh.
With filming set to begin on Batman 3 next year, speculation has never been so rife. How many subordinates will Christian Bale bellow at during the filming? Which promising young star will die right before the movie’s release? If Christian Bale gives Batman that silly voice again for a third film, how far into the movie will it be before his larynx shears in half like a rusty pipe? We must know!
But at least we know who’s going to play Catwoman in Batman 3 now. It’s our dear friend Megan Fox, who’s presumably been chosen over Cher because Christopher Nolan didn’t want a Catwoman who looks as if chronic osteoporosis would hamper her whip skills, and chosen over Angelina Jolie because she’s about 40 times cheaper.
Except, well, don’t get your hopes up. Megan Fox hasn’t officially been signed to play Catwoman in Batman 3, and that’s probably for the following reasons:
1 – If Megan Fox starred in Batman 3, then Catwoman would be 12 years younger than Batman. Therefore, the sexual relationship between Batman and Catwoman would be replaced by scenes where Batman takes Catwoman to play on the swings and washes her by spitting into a tissue and then rubbing it all over her face.
2 – Megan Fox recently slagged off her latest Transformers movie, so big action franchise producers will be weary about working with her.
3 – This is plainly a lot of bollocks from Megan Fox’s camp because she wants to play Catwoman instead of Rachel Weisz, who is currently the favourite to get the role.
But let’s play along for a bit anyway. Hey The Sun, why would Megan Fox make a good Catwoman?
The Transformers stunner follows in the pawprints of Michelle Pfeiffer and Halle Berry. But Megan, who has a slightly darker edge than her two predecessors, will be brilliant as Selina Kyle.
Oh, it’s because Megan Fox has a dark edge. That makes sense. We can see it now. Batman 3 will be about Catwoman – who turned to crime after realising that she wasn’t very good at acting – holding Gotham City to ransom by doing some acting for them, paralysing the population with the impossible choice of telling her that she’s not a very good actress and letting her carry on thinking that she’s a good actress just because she’s quite pretty.
And we just thought that this was news because it happens to be Bring Your Horny Teenage Son To Work Day at The Sun. Shows what we know, eh?