Bald Britney Spears Sex Tape May Cruelly Exist

The release of a Britney Spears sex tape is probably the last thing the girl needs in her current faintly distressing circumstance.

And not just her either - most right-minded people have already seen so much of Britney over the past few months that they'd probably prefer to catch herpes off a slutty monkey than even begin to accept that a Britney Spears sex tape exists.

But tough titties, because a Britney Spears sex tape apparently does exist, and it's a bald-headed one, too. Kiss your libido goodbye, folks.

The idea of a Britney Spears sex tape conjures up so many conflicting emotions that we don't know what to do. For example, there's pity - does Britney Spears really need this sort of attention after the mental couple of weeks she's had?

Then there's antipathy - anyone with an internet connection has already seen pictures of Britney's tatty growler, so why would they want to see it moving around?

And maybe just a spot of arousal, perhaps? Urgh, goodness no - this is a Britney Spears sex tape we're talking about. For the love of God, that's just revolting.

But maybe the strongest feeling that news of a new Britney Spears sex tape has inspired is a sensation of thundering resignation. Seeing Britney Spears have it off on the internet has been inevitable for years now. Remember when it was claimed that Kevin Federline was trying to sell a Britney Spears sex tape that mainly featured them playing chess? And that guy who said he filmed himself having sex with Britney Spears on holiday in June?

Well now there's more.

According to The Sun, not only does a new Britney Spears sex tape exist but it's a sex tape of Britney Spears when she was a slaphead, just to really rub our noses in it:

American TV station Fox News say that a 30-minute video of the singer was posted on the web yesterday. The raunchy footage is said to show a shaven-headed Britney performing sex acts on two women and a male companion. During the video, the Toxic star is said to look dazed and consumes alcohol and "what appears to be cocaine and marijuana".

 Of course, we haven't seen this reported new Britney Spears sex tape yet - something we know because we're alive and breathing normally instead of lying dead on our backs, our faces contorted with terror like in The Ring - so there's no possible way that we can tell you whether it exists or not. Hopefully it's all a mix-up, like those naked Britney Spears pictures that weren't remotely naked at all.

And even if a Britney Spears sex tape does exist, you'll probably be able to avoid it fairly easily. After all, nobody's going to force you to download it.

But you will, though, won't you?

Pervert.

Read more:

New Britney sex tape rumours - The Sun