You may still be perplexed about Kris Allen winning American Idol. If you are, we have some wonderful news.
That news is this – you clearly have nothing to do apart from fret over the result of a rubbish television show that you can come and mow our lawn for free if you like. Oh, and also it might have been AT&T that gypped Adam Lambert out of winning American Idol.
Obviously it might have also been the fact that Adam Lambert pulls a face like a fat baby choking on a shoelace when he sings, but let’s blame AT&T anyway.
To his millions of uptight, amusingly easily-offended fans, the fact that Adam Lambert didn’t win American Idol last week is something that really sticks in the craw. Stupid Kris Allen with his wholesome good looks, inoffensive musical style and evident popularity. It should have been Adam Lambert who got to release that objectively awful No Boundaries single then churn out a painfully weak album of karaoke cover versions before disappearing forever, not Kris Allen. We hate you Kris Allen! You stole our dream!
But while Adam Lambert looks resigned to dealing with the obvious second-place prize of being the vocalist for one of the biggest bands in history instead of fulfilling his destiny of becoming the new Ruben Studdard, it looks like an explanation for his American Idol defeat might be at hand.
You may remember that Kris Allen won American Idol with the help of 38 million votes from his home state of Arkansas. What’s unusual about that is that there aren’t even 38 million people in Arkansas. In fact, the entire population of Arkansas is made up of eight toothless old men in straw hats, the gnarled old prostitute they get to take turns on and a monkey called Demetri who escaped from a zoo in neighbouring Oklahoma 14 years ago and has been mayor of the entire state ever since.
So what gives? Could it be that AT&T workers infiltrated the crude bamboo border surrounding Arkansas, handed out free mobile phones to the locals and, after explaining that you can’t eat them because they’re not food, gave demonstrations of how to send ten text messages at once during the American Idol final? It could be, as NYT reports:
Representatives of AT&T, whose mobile phone network is the only one that can be used to cast ?American Idol? votes via text message, provided the free text-messaging services at two parties in Arkansas after the final performance episode of ?American Idol? last week. There appear to have been no similar efforts to provide free texting services to supporters of Adam Lambert, who finished as the runner-up to Mr. Allen.
So that’s it. Kris Allen won American Idol because a small amount of people may have voted for him more than once by text message rather than voting for him more than once on a telephone. And as such, thanks to this blind conjecture by a bunch of sore Adam Lambert fans, we’re vowing to never use anything by AT&T ever again. Ever.
Or at least until some other noisily hollow gaudy competition comes on television and we’re brainwashed into spending most of our money arbitrarily picking a favourite in the mistaken belief that the outcome will have any impact on our lives whatsoever. Whichever comes first, really.
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MadDogUSA says
Let me start with…I love your site.
Next..have you seen this blog yet?
http://americanidolexposed.wordpress.com/
Cause IF you want a real story then you should read it.
Michele says
ATT did not ruin Adam’s life. If the rumor is true they actually did him a favor. He doesn’t have to stay in the Idol mold, and is free to be Adam, which is what his fans want. Adam got to sing with two rock legends and may have been offered an incredible gig. Kris gets to sing that horrendous song No Boundries and jump to the Idol whistle for a year before fading back into relative obscurity.
Sounds to me like Adam is the winner here. Thanks ATT.
Max says
Thanks for putting it in the perspective that those of us outside of Alabama can understand.
Adam will be huge despite any controversy. Let Kris have ‘No Boundries’…too many words; makes my brain spin.
At least you made me laugh. I hope they remember to check for bamboo slivers in the line-up.
Elliott says
You are able to text a lot more than ten votes at a time on a phone like that. Try hundred with one click and then calculate someone hitting that button for four hours…
danette says
At&t saved Adam from being locked in with AI for 5yrs. Now he can do whatever he wants and make more money for himself and not AI. AI and AT&T have all made way to much because of this great artist already!
However we know Adam really won. At&T are cheaters and I will never use an AT&T product.
Thanks again AT&T!
Dawn says
I am so glad that Adam is not tied up with AI and he can do his own thing….He is just Amazing and have not heard a singer with a voice like that for a long time….We are proud of you and will see you in August on tour in K.C.
halo3v says
Mad Dog USA
This is exactly why I don’t watch American Idol.
All reality shows are staged, but this is a game. How made would we be if we found a hockey, baseball, or football game was rigged?
Right – no one would watch, which is why today MSNBC is showing an article “Hold onto your American Idol Conspiracy Theory”
Ain’t no theory, its true!
Jonathan says
Now FOX and AT&T are saying this:
AT&T confirmed that “a few local AT&T employees” who were “caught up in the enthusiasm” of “American Idol” helped drum up votes for “Idol” winner Kris Allen in his home state of Arkansas.
Kris Allen, left, defeated Adam Lambert, right, in the “American Idol” finale.
However, Fox Broadcasting and the show producers said they were “absolutely certain” that Allen was the winner, despite any boost he might have had from employees of one of the show’s major sponsors.
“In no way did any individuals unfairly influence the outcome of the competition,” said a joint statement from Fox, FremantleMedia North America and 19 Entertainment.
All I have to say is that I will NEVER EVER NEVER EVER use an AT&T product again or have anything to do with anyone who does! I’m like an AT&T vegan now. If the corporate sponsor can’t control their employees and offer the same services unbiased for one contestant as they obviously did for the one they favor, blatantly violating their moral obligation to American Idol and it’s viewers! (That would be you America and fellow viewers from around the globe).
The upside to all of this crazy story is that it is alright that Adam didn’t win, usually first place on Idol is a career ender! The reason we Adam fans are so upset about this is because we thought Adam would look really good in that crown!
Natalie says
I would like to think that Adam not winning is a good thing. But I still dont want Kris to have no career. I was shocked when Adam didnt win but Im really hoping he turns into a real world wide star like other non winners like Jennifer Hudson. And are American idol really that bad????? I mean I know Kelly Clarkson fired her manager who worked for AI and then her next album was her best. So maybe it is a good thing that he didnt win. I know Adam will get a deal, or hed better!!!! Bbut has he got one yet?????? I am really gutted I cant see him on tour, unless I fly 3000 miles 2 c it.
Soso says
OMG I love so much your article and the description of Kris Allen.
You’re so right.
raelyn says
this is an awsome site and i agree as long as theres another Excuse to why adam didnt win american idol yet i still think that hes happy with it because he might get to be the lead singer of queens
Angel says
I love this article. True, better Adam not a winner of AI, he will stuck there with very lame songs, written by Kara!!! Hahahahaha…
I love Adam voice, fresh, compare to all lame voice we have so far!!! Go Adam!! Make a new turn in music culture!! I can’t wait for his album!!!