Oh, this is hilarious. Who was the biggest star of American Idol this year? That’s correct, Adam Lambert.
Similarly it was Adam Lambert who graced the front covers of all the magazines this year, Adam Lambert who drove a slightly berserk percentile of the population to draw comparisons to Elvis and Adam Lambert who Simon Cowell practically begged everyone to vote for on American Idol two nights ago. So with all of this in mind, who won the American Idol final last night?
That’s correct, Kris Allen. We think that’s what his name is, anyway. We weren’t really paying attention.
Before we discuss Kris Allen’s American Idol victory over Adam Lambert last night, let’s congratulate the American Idol team for putting on a final that didn’t make us want to kill ourselves.
Admittedly this was largely because it was so long and completely tedious that we felt we’d be punishing ourselves more by sitting all the way through it than by stabbing ourselves repeatedly in the face with a pair of scissors, but well done anyway.
If you missed the American Idol final last night, then you missed this: everyone sang a song, then last year’s winner sang a song, then some bloke sang a song, then Lil Rounds sang a song, then Alexis Grace and Anoop Desai sang, then Kris Allen sang, then Adam Lambert sang, then all the girls sang, then the Black Eyed Peas sang a song, then a girl in a bikini sang a song, then Allison Iraheta sang, then Danny Gokey sang, then Adam Lambert sang a song, and Queen were there and KISS was there and Rod Stewart was there and Steve Martin played a banjo and everyone ended up singing a song with every possible combination of everyone else and we think we had a stress-induced aneurysm.
But that’s by the by, because the big news about last night’s American Idol was that Adam Lambert – the man who, if you listen to the internet, wasn’t just going to win American Idol but become the number one selling artist in the history of recorded music, cure all poverty and sickness single-handedly and then rise up to heaven on a cloud to kill our uncaring God and take his place to usher in the dawning of the Age Of Aquarius – didn’t win American Idol.
Instead the honour went to Kris Allen – the man who we’ve deliberately avoided writing about because he’s so pointlessly anonymous that we can’t even remember if he’s got a face or not. Kris Allen would be best described as a Jason Mraz clone, albeit one so insipid that he makes Jason Mraz look like GG Allin in comparison. And he’s the new American Idol. For some reason.
Why did Kris Allen win American Idol over Adam Lambert? That’s still up for discussion. Maybe America found it easier to get behind the underdog, or maybe they saw more of themselves in Kris Allen.
Maybe they didn’t want American Idol to be won by a man with a Bad Spider-Man haircut who pulls a face like a crying human baby when he sings. Or maybe everyone in America is a gigantic homophobe who wouldn’t vote for Adam Lambert on the suspicion that he’d one day try and put a finger up their bottom as a depraved thank-you if he won.
Who knows. But what’s done is done and, regardless of who won American Idol, we’re sure that both Kris Allen and Adam Lambert will be very successful in their own right. In Adam Lambert’s case, that means being the subject of countless terrifying fan-drawn pencil sketches of him with angel wings riding a unicorn across a rainbow. And in Kris Allen’s case that means selling millions of copies of that awful winning song and then disappearing into obscurity forever. Good luck to them both.