Your New American Idol Is… What? Kris Allen? Really?

American Idol, Kris Allen, Adam Lambert, American Idol finalOh, this is hilarious. Who was the biggest star of American Idol this year? That’s correct, Adam Lambert.

Similarly it was Adam Lambert who graced the front covers of all the magazines this year, Adam Lambert who drove a slightly berserk percentile of the population to draw comparisons to Elvis and Adam Lambert who Simon Cowell practically begged everyone to vote for on American Idol two nights ago. So with all of this in mind, who won the American Idol final last night?

That’s correct, Kris Allen. We think that’s what his name is, anyway. We weren’t really paying attention.

Before we discuss Kris Allen’s American Idol victory over Adam Lambert last night, let’s congratulate the American Idol team for putting on a final that didn’t make us want to kill ourselves.

Admittedly this was largely because it was so long and completely tedious that we felt we’d be punishing ourselves more by sitting all the way through it than by stabbing ourselves repeatedly in the face with a pair of scissors, but well done anyway.

If you missed the American Idol final last night, then you missed this: everyone sang a song, then last year’s winner sang a song, then some bloke sang a song, then Lil Rounds sang a song, then Alexis Grace and Anoop Desai sang, then Kris Allen sang, then Adam Lambert sang, then all the girls sang, then the Black Eyed Peas sang a song, then a girl in a bikini sang a song, then Allison Iraheta sang, then Danny Gokey sang, then Adam Lambert sang a song, and Queen were there and KISS was there and Rod Stewart was there and Steve Martin played a banjo and everyone ended up singing a song with every possible combination of everyone else and we think we had a stress-induced aneurysm.

But that’s by the by, because the big news about last night’s American Idol was that Adam Lambert – the man who, if you listen to the internet, wasn’t just going to win American Idol but become the number one selling artist in the history of recorded music, cure all poverty and sickness single-handedly and then rise up to heaven on a cloud to kill our uncaring God and take his place to usher in the dawning of the Age Of Aquarius – didn’t win American Idol.

Instead the honour went to Kris Allen – the man who we’ve deliberately avoided writing about because he’s so pointlessly anonymous that we can’t even remember if he’s got a face or not. Kris Allen would be best described as a Jason Mraz clone, albeit one so insipid that he makes Jason Mraz look like GG Allin in comparison. And he’s the new American Idol. For some reason.

Why did Kris Allen win American Idol over Adam Lambert? That’s still up for discussion. Maybe America found it easier to get behind the underdog, or maybe they saw more of themselves in Kris Allen.

Maybe they didn’t want American Idol to be won by a man with a Bad Spider-Man haircut who pulls a face like a crying human baby when he sings. Or maybe everyone in America is a gigantic homophobe who wouldn’t vote for Adam Lambert on the suspicion that he’d one day try and put a finger up their bottom as a depraved thank-you if he won.

Who knows. But what’s done is done and, regardless of who won American Idol, we’re sure that both Kris Allen and Adam Lambert will be very successful in their own right. In Adam Lambert’s case, that means being the subject of countless terrifying fan-drawn pencil sketches of him with angel wings riding a unicorn across a rainbow. And in Kris Allen’s case that means selling millions of copies of that awful winning song and then disappearing into obscurity forever. Good luck to them both.

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Comments

  1. jackie says

    The biggest star in history of AI is Adam, Adam and only Adam. That guy who isn`t Adam got the title this year will be forgotten pretty soon (even by those who voted for him).

  2. DeeCee says

    I feel badly for Kris because he shouldn’t have won and he knows it. I think that’s worse than Adam not winning. We all know Adam deserved to win. He has the better voice and delivers a song that really moves us. I believe it was the teeney-boppers calling and texting the whole 4 hours that won it for Kris. Everyone knows Adam should have won.

    AI – How about a new method of voting which only allows 1 vote per person? Or let’s give the judges, who recognize good talent, a percentage of the final vote. Obviously it cannot be left up to the public.

    Kris – make the best of it, you got something you didn’t derserve.
    Adam – We rooted for you continuoulsy and so did everyone else we know. You’ll be fine and yes, we will buy anything you record.

  3. alice caughman says

    I think that Kris and Adam both were awesome. But you have to know that more of main stream America could easily identify with Kris and not some of Adam over-the-top performances. By comparison, Kris performances were solid,embracing and most of the songs he sang you knew the words to but he never lost himself in the songs, you could always hear his signature voice in every song. A voice that were so soothing and genuine that would just make you want to come along to wherever he was trying to take you. Adam, on the other hand and as beautiful as he sang a couple of songs, performance did’t quite offer that. It’s almost like he focused more on the theatrical/drama portion of his performance than to try to showcase his real talent. As if he was trying to take you where you didn’t want to go.What a shame!

  4. Carrie Prejean says

    I’m part of mainstream America and I could easily identify with Kris.

    No way can I identify with any dirty gays.

  5. anna holland says

    That is absolutly ridiculous. Kris is talented, good looking and humble. These are all characteristics of a true idol. America voted and this was the end decision. People need to deal with it and not be sore losers. Go Kris, way to make Arkansas proud!!! :)

  6. AmyB says

    I voted for Kris. My choice, my preference. I enjoyed his music, I just heard No Boundaries on our local radio station already and it is good. What is wrong with just enjoying the entertainment. They will both be successful. Just because your pick didnt win doesnt mean you need to trash the other one. I had nothing against Adam. He has his own style and was good at it. Kris has his own style and is good at it. Last nights finale was awesome and all 13 finalists were having fun. Kris and Adam looked very at ease with the star entertainers they performed with. A good night and another good season.

  7. melabonbon says

    the last two paragraphs are some of the funniest things you’ve written in awhile. well done!

  8. Eileen says

    Everyone is making such a fuss about Adam being the best and not voted for because of his dubious sexuality. I totally disagree. Adam is very talented but so is Kris. I could not enjoy listening to Adam without seeing him – he is strictly a stage performer, whereas Kris’s style of singing and choice of music can be enjoyed anywhere. I do not care for Adam’s screaming even although it shows his vocal range. I prefer the softer stylings of Kris and will be in line to buy his CDs when they are available. He appeals to everyone whereas Adam appeals to those who like a more “rock” style of performance. That is certainly not me and obviously many others agree with me or Adam would have been chosen.

  9. Michelle says

    Fox16 News website reported that Arkansas ALONE clocked in 38 million votes: http://tinyurl.com/r4r2cg A state with 1% of America’s population cast 40% of the votes for their homeboy. So there you go!
    Arkansas Idol ftw! “America” can shove it! *roll eyes* I’m so done with Idol.

  10. says

    I saw a 16y/o girl n oprah last monday, i forgot her name. And Shes even better than the newly crowned american idol. Way better than kris. Adam Lambert should have won! Kris is nothing compared to adam.. ADAM IS THE REAL WINNER!

  11. LJo says

    You know it just goes to show……………..MOST (meaning THE MAJORITY) Americans really are drawn to good!! Not that Adam isn’t good or even great, but Americans as a whole search for and support the pure and the good!! I love that about the United States of America! Sure we all step out or venture out at times but in our heart of hearts we remain a Christian Nation who respects and invites all types of people. Congratulations to Kris and by all accounts Adam will be successful in his own right!!! Way to vote America!!!

  12. LJo says

    Uh Huh…….whoever wrote this AND IT WAS NOT Carrie Prejean!!! You poor, poor thing…….you have nothing better to do than spew your hate and lies!! Once again a snake on it’s belly…..
    Ms. Prejean would NEVER stoop this low as to say a comment like this.
    Enjoy your pitiful life…….you jealous creature!!!

  13. LJo says

    The biggest star in HISTORY???
    How old are you, 2?
    Come on now……let’s not exaggerate. The guys very talented but not everyone enjoys his screaming musical talents!!
    Majority Rules………..the older you get the more this will ALL MAKE SENSE!!

  14. LJo says

    Again, This is NOT Carrie Prejean!!
    People DO NOT Fall for this snake in the grass!!!

  15. Brad says

    According to Dial Idol, a website that tracks calls on voting night, Adam won call-ins 216,000 to 195,000. The site also tracks calls that get busy signals. If you add in those, out of 750,000 total calls, Kris would have won by 895 votes. One thing that the site does not seem to be able to track in dead-air calls. No answer, no busy signal due to overall traffic. So no way to see what that stat would have done to the results. So if there were almost 100,000,000 votes total. The number of text message votes must have been staggering. I truly believe that Kris will have a very good career ahead of him. But Adam should have won as he more than proved that he was the most talented and most marketable. Congratulations to them both and may they experience nothing but happiness.

  16. LJo says

    That was RUDE!!!
    Good thing you can hide behind your computer huh??
    Pathetic that one has to be so filled with hate!!

  17. LJo says

    Yeah right!! At least until next year huh??
    Blah, Blah, Blah!!!
    MAJORITY RULES HUN!!!

  18. Cameron says

    I haven’t stopped laughing since the announcement!!!! True, Adam Lambert probably should have won but the fact that the American public stepped up to the plate and bitch slapped every queer in the country last night is a real eye opener. Can you imagine the wailing and howling and the tears and the screaming in the Bath houses of San Francisco last night?

    I think the queers have had their fifteen minutes of fame here in America and if the truth be told…… we have had about all we can stand. Time for all the little pantywaists to crawl back into their closets and allow society to heal. Perez Hilton has done this country a great service at just the right time. Poor Adam……. She can’t be Miss USA and he can’t be the American Idol……. after all….. He’s queer isn’t he?

  19. Sarah says

    Cameron – you epitomise the worst the rest of the world thinks about Americans; small minded, ignorant, isolatioist and down right ignorant, i hope your fellow Americans are suitably ashamed of you, what ever happened to the American idea of independence and living freely or does that only apply to straight white men?

  20. Blanca says

    IS KRIS WINNING SOME KIND OF SICK JOKE!!!!!! I AM SOOOOO MAD. HE IS NOT MEMORABLE AT ALL, I DDNT EVEN KNO HIS NAME HALF THE COMPETITION. HE IS WELL BELOW AVERAGE, LAME, LAME, LAME CHEESY URRGGHHH.

    ADAM IS THE MOST TALENTED PERFORMER AMERICAN IDOL HAS SEEN EVER!!! & ITS A JOKE THAT HE DDNT WIN. ALTHO HE WILL STILL PROBABLY DO WELL WITH OUT THE STIGMA OF BEING AMERICAN IDOL WINNER, WHICH LETS FACE IT SOMETIMES CAN BE A BAD THING. NEWHO… RIDICULOUS THAT ADAM DDNT WIN!!! AMERICAN IDOL SUX ASSSSSSSSSS NEVER WATCHING THIS SHT EVER AGEN !!!!!!! .. UNTIL NEXT SEASON.. HAHA NA SERIOUSLY !! ~!@#$%^&*(@!#$%^&*

    NOW SHUD I TEL U HOW I REALLY FEEL??? LOL.
    PEAC HOMIES =’D

  21. Paige says

    This was a singing competition and it was pretty obvious who the better singer was (not Kris). What, are you afraid that Adam Lambert would turn our sons and daughters gay? Get real.

  22. Chris says

    Only one who is gay and does not have the strength to admit it would hold so much anger to put someone else down. You watch him sing, you don’t date him so go on, pray and love people. Get over your pitiful little, oppressed and angry world and stop being so mad at your pathetic parent. The best to you

  23. Chris says

    If your father had not played with you as a child you may not have so much hatred toward yourself. It is o.k. Pray, get some therapy, show love to others and forgive your hillbilly dad for fondling you… he couldn’t admit he was gay.. poor, little, little boy

  24. manny says

    Oh! Youre sooooo stupid!!!! You poor little insignificant being, you dont know what youre talking about!

  25. Jackie says

    I think it’s hilarious that Arkansas got out 38 million votes for someone just because he’s from Arkansas!

    I do feel sorry for poor Kris, though. How humiliating to have been voted in by your state trying to get on the map instead of by true fans! =(

    As for the source, AT&T went on the record on the local FOX 16 affiliate right after the results show last night, bragging that they gave out free go phones and held seminars on text voting in Arkansas. I think AT&T thought this coup would boost their sales for future seasons.

    How utterly embarrassing for Kris. At least he was honest enough to say that Adam deserved to win. I thought for a minute there that Kris was just going to hand the trophy to ever Adam, and I’m sure it crossed his mind. It would have been AWESOME if he had done that!!!!!!!

  26. Carrie Prejean says

    Thanks for agreeing with me Einnoid. Together we can fight the rising tide of homo and keep them down where they belong. lol.

  27. Carrie Prejean says

    Yes it is.

    The person who does not believe in me is not LJo. Do not fall for his/her pseudoymy deception.

    PS down with gays lol

  28. Cyrus says

    Danny, Anoop, Allison and Matt (of course Adam as well) are all leaps and bounds better than this Kris guy. Kris or whatever his name is has less talent than a brick wall, he even knew he didn’t deserve to be in the final. I once farted and it sounded better than that clown’s attempts at singing.

    American Idol voters are idiots, what can I say, enjoy your new baby-faced idol who has less talent, personality and charisma than an inanimate object.

  29. says

    Adam should have won! The result was a global shocker! Hahahah.. Kris was one of the worst in the top13. Anoop was even better than him. By the way, When the winner was anounced, simon got disapointed..

  30. SCat says

    Kris won the texting vote from Arkansas. Adam was the BEST singer to EVER grace the AI stage. He didn’t need the AI title. But he sure deserved it. Kris will do well on the radio but he’s no superstar and he knows and admitted Adam deserved the title.

  31. SCat says

    How about listening to some of his studio recordings. Adam said his stage performances are over the top and there is more high notes, it’s all part of stage performing. Keeping the audience interested. His studio recordings are beautiful and perfect. Maybe try listening to One by U2 (the original) then listen to Adam’s studio version. I think you will be pleasantly surprised. His version is much better than the U2 version. And no super high notes. He is gonna blow people away with his album ’cause their all expecting high notes and they won’t hear them! lol Adam will get the last laugh, even though he’s not looking for it, he’s less hateful than half the bloggers in the world.

  32. RAW says

    I wish everyone would quit getting so butt sore over Adam losing.When Adam screams his face looks like there is a string tied to his balls, and Simon is behind him yanking on it. He is a nobody. I personally was a Danny fan, but I’m glad the country I live in is smart enough not to vote for a HOMO wearing makeup. Really people, is that who you wanted your kids to Idolize? A Gay screamer, who still in the closet and can’t even admit to being Gay? Please. I never could understand how a man could look at another man’s hairy a-s-s and say “Oh I gotta have that” Hello. If you can’t get into a women, there is something wrong. thsy have everything that a man doe, accept a squirting p-i-s-s pump. You people are sick. Anyone who is ok with gays, needs to burn in hell with them. I helped pass the petition in california to stop F-A-G marriage. LOL. Go Kris. He’s married to a WOMEN, he sings great, and he dosent wear gayliner.

  33. says

    I’m a mother and a devout Christian, too. As TV viewer, I recognize that American Idol is a singing talent contest open to all, regardless of orientation or religion. It is not supposed to be a popularity contest for class of persons in society. Among Season 8’s contenders, Adam Lambert was consistently the amazing artist and the best singer, gifted with a powerful voice. America’s vote for Kris, or America’s vote against Adam, seems to be a contemptuous hate vote against sectors of America that Adam stands for. ADAM LAMBERT DESERVED TO WIN. Even Kris Allen himself knows this in his Christian heart, so much so that as soon as he was unexpectedly handed the undeserved crown, he perplexedly declared to the public that “Adam deserves this…” — righteously adhering to glaring truth and instinctively repudiating the ridiculous vote results that are far from the truth. You could actually count the seconds before Kris acquiesced and finally received the crown, but only after Adam encouragingly placed his arm around his shoulder. Adam Lambert is the true winner! What is wrong with America? Or what is wrong with this American Idol TV show?

  34. maxine says

    Well Hi, I’ve been following the competition from the UK with my American husband and the results came as no surprise to either of us! The middle of the road, mainstream americans can’t bear to see anyone stray from their ideal of “clean cut, boy next door” image of the USA. Thats why idiots like Taylor and the sweet but dull Carrie Underwood did so well. Adam Lambert was obviously the most talented person who has ever been on Idol but he was to “out there” for most people. It’s tragic because he really is not extreme at all, just original. On the plus side for him, at least he doesn’t have to release that hideous track which is Kris’s first single.

  35. says

    CONGRATULATIONS KRIS. CONGRATULATIONS ARKANSAS. Congratulations for having the worst american idol in the history!

  36. Bette says

    I can’t believe the majority of you people can be so hateful. What did Kris Allen do to you? He won fair and square. Let it go. That’s what’s wrong with America today. And, that’s why other countries dispise this country because of classless, moronic remarks made by infadels. All I have to say is, “YOU” are the real losers.