Ah, the Mercury Prize, the award where a bunch of music experts in black polo-neck sweaters try to pick the best album of the year but end up picking the fourth-best album that nobody's heard of because it makes them look cooler.
The shortlist for this year's Mercury Prize was announced yesterday. Well, at least we think it was the shortlist for this year's Mercury Prize, but in fairness the organisers might have just made a mistake and read out last year's shortlist again. It's hard to tell, because this year's Mercury Prize shortlist contains exactly the same mix of good, daring new albums that won't win, wayward fringe genre albums that nobody actually likes but got included in the shortlist because they make the Mercury Prize look more elitist and cool that won't win, a bunch of generic indie albums that won't win. And Arctic Monkeys. That, you know, will win.
The Mercury Prize is one of the most well-respected music awards in the country for a very good reason. Every band in the country wants to win the Mercury Prize so they can look their contemporaries in the eye and say "Yes, we are as good as Gomez, Roni Size and M People combined" and play the rest of their career knowing that a sociologist who moonlights as a Mercury judge quite likes them.
OK, that's all lies. In actual fact the Mercury Prize tends to be the kiss of death for bands. Suede have split up, M People split up, nobody's heard anything from Gomez, Talvin Singh or Antony And The Johnsons lately and Ms Dynamite only gets in the news when she crashes her car really fast or punches police officers. And then there's last year's Mercury Prize winners Arctic Monkeys, who managed to release another successful album after winning the prize, much to the possible chagrin of the voting panel.
In the run-up to the Mercury Prize being awarded – on September 4 – there's every chance that we'll be hitting you with our usual dose of Mercury Prize betting odds for each of the albums, but here's the 2007 Mercury Prize shortlist for you to have a gander at anyway:
Arctic Monkeys: Favourite Worst Nightmare ("If winning the Mercury Prize twice in two years doesn't kill them, nothing will!" cackled Mercury chairman Simon Frith from his underwater lair)
Dizzee Rascal: Maths+English (Another former Mercury Prize winner who, while not becoming instantly anonymous like other winners, did go on to base a song around Happy Talk from South Pacific. Science has told us that's as close as you can get)
The View: Hats Off To The Buskers (Containing that song about always wearing the same pair of jeans that's made us ram our heel through up to seven car stereos)
Maps: We Can Create (It's a little-known fact that Maps are actually Ordinance Survey maps, and have named themselves after the things that they are. Like if The View called themselves Arseholes)
Bat For Lashes: Fur And Gold (God knows, although we're told that Bat For Lashes got their name when they played cricket with a monster and lost and had to wax off their eyelashes as a result)
Klaxons: Myths Of The Near Future (Are Klaxons Nu-Rave? We've been told that they are, but if that's the case then doesn't that make Kaiser Chiefs Breakcore Electroclash? Anyway, we'd imagine that Klaxons will win the Mercury Prize because it's the sort of thing that 40-year-old men think is cool)
Jamie T: Panic Prevention (While in fact Jamie T should win the Mercury Prize and that's obvious and we're right)
The Young Knives: Voices Of Animals And Men (Remember The Young Knives? So do we, vaguely)
Fionn Regan: The End Of History (Folk. You guessed this was a folk album, didn't you? It was the name Fionn that gave it away, wasn't it? Well, you're right, it's folk all over. And we're dangerously close to quite liking it)
Basquiat Strings with Seb Rochford: Basquiat Strings (After their worldwide, three year sell-out tour of the world's biggest music venues, performing to millions of screaming hysterical fans and staying at number one in every music chart in the world for six calender months, selling more records than The Beatles, Michael Jackson and Elvis Presley put together, the debauched megastars of the Basquiat Strings with Seb Rochford will be looking forward to spending time with the little people of the Mercury Prize)
Amy Winehouse: Back To Black (The album that made Any Winehouse an international star. Remember kids, when Amy beats up women, gets married to obviously unsuitable men and self-mutilates her stomach with shards of broken mirror, she's doing it all for you)
New Young Pony Club: Fantastic Playroom (We like ponies)
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Paul says
hello. I think you should let yourself go, and let yourself like Fionn! be a devil. Actually, it’s not folk of teh beardy weirdy variety, but rather exciting, dangerously lyriced folk and he’s great live (when he’s in teh mood). It’s also very beautiful and for the ax weilders out there he’s an awesome finger picker! Just my thoughts.
Paul.