Right, whichever one of you wrote to Santa asking to see what Amy Winehouse’s boobs look like, you’ve got detention for a month.
Thanks to you, someone’s taken a load of photos of Amy Winehouse topless on holiday and spread them across the internet like some sort of obscene dirty protest.
However, the good news is that Amy Winehouse looks less like the emaciated hollow-eyed wreck we’ve all seen in the papers for the last 18 months and more like an actual human. The bad news is that they’re pictures of Amy Winehouse topless. How much worse do you want? Jesus.
You might have thought that, since we haven’t really mentioned her for a couple of months, Amy Winehouse is back on the mend again. That’s not completely true – since her husband got released from jail she’s apparently been starting divorce proceedings while being treated for any one of her 4,000 illnesses – but the thought of discussing Amy Winehouse more than we absolutely have to makes us want to gas ourselves in an oven. That’s why we decided that we’re only going to talk about Amy Winehouse whenever she does something of hugely important global consequence.
Like, for example, Amy Winehouse going topless on a beach. That is important, isn’t it? Anyone? Hello?
Oh, screw you all. Look, Amy Winehouse was been photographed completely topless on a beach during a holiday in St Lucia. And it’s important not just because of stupid titillation, but because it provides concrete evidence that Amy Winehouse’s cadaverous ribcage doesn’t only contain the screaming souls of her prey like the Ghost Of Christmas Past in Scrooged.
Also, you can totally see Amy Winehouse’s nipples. Or at least we assume you can – thanks to a mixture of decency and unstoppable nausea we haven’t quite worked up the courage to look at the uncensored photos. Anyway, News Of The World reports:
Unless I'm very much mistaken the Rehab star, who has battled drugs, was sporting a very healthy looking tum. One onlooker told me: ?Amy just whipped off her top and dived in to the sea without a care in the world. She was looking a better than she has for a while. A bit of sun is just what she needs.?
That’s it? The only thing that Amy Winehouse needed to make her better was a bit of sun on her tits? At least that explains why she went so mental last time someone tried to put her in rehab – the only thing Amy Winehouse was going to get on her tits on an island in the North Sea was four layers of goosebumps and the occasional dollop of ice-cold seagull turd.
In fact, the more we think about this ‘a bit of sun is just what she needs’ theory, the more we can see the logic in it. That’s why we propose that someone packs Amy Winehouse into a tiny little rocket and catapults her directly into the middle of the solar system as soon as possible. She’ll be much better after that.
Also we won’t have to keep doing our best to avoid pictures of Amy Winehouse topless all the time. It’s literally a win-win.
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SonSaree says
What’s up yall
Julian Mentat says
It took me a while to realise this was a bikini story, because I always visualise the top of Amy’s head, containing the crucial brain areas, to be missing.
Harry says
A little sun, a little actual food, some medical attention, and above all a period of detoxification from drug super-saturation, and she has the pleasing contours of a human female again. But what awaits her in London? Crack dens and dealers? God forbid.
toolahroolahroolah says
If we can make the rocket big enough to haul her, brit, lindsay, and all the rest, I’d be willing to make a substantial donation towards the cause.
Stuart Heritage says
toolahroolahroolah – I’m in. But you’d have to promise to give me a new job afterwards, because I’d be shagged if they all burned to death on a suicide mission to the centre of the sun.
Irish gemini says
Maybe she is building a rocket and its hidden in here hair or made out of her hair. Not a lot to do when your awake for weeks at a time.