The final week of auditions showcased people who had auditioned through MySpace.
So we settled down to watch, fully expecting the acts to be pimply boys showing off their collection of Dungeons And Dragons figurines, recently divorced women with a pitiful lack of self worth trying desperately to get laid, and 15-year-old girls pulling up their t-shirts to show a bit of their bra.
Nope. So what did we get instead?
Only Susan bloody Boyle giving an interview to Today Show semi-milf Meredith Viera, that’s what.
Ah, the America’s Got Talent Auditions have ended. No more crazy Asian ladies putting their long hair into a fire with predictably hilarious results. No more confused pensioners being prodded onto the stage so that they can shuffle around a bit in the puddle of wee forming at their feet while mumbling the words to Don’t Cha Wish Your Girlfriend Was Hot Like Me. No more gay David Schwimmers who, essentially, just throw a lit Zippo around for a bit while smiling at the judges like a Cheshire Cat that’s just been elected mayor of Mousetown (salary: The Cream).
So, before we get to the week’s biggest news, let’s review the runners, riders, and rejects from MySpace week:
Least Annoying Street Dance Act: comin’ atcha from Memphis, Tennessee, it’s The Beale Street Flippers. Not – as we expected when we heard the name – a collective of dancing dolphins, but a group of lads who were using the power of gymnastics to “escape from the hood”.
The Hoff loved them; Sharon Osbourne‘s porcelain face tried to contort itself into a smile; and Piers Morgan made an attempt at coherent communication. We have no idea what he was trying to say though, as all that came out was the sound of a slug making its way across an oil-covered linoleum floor.
Good luck to you, Flippers. May you go on to wipe the memory of Diversity from the world’s collective conscience.
Most Frighteningly 1980s Eastern Bloc Men: have you ever wondered what a game of Jenga in which the wooden pieces were replaced by bald Polish blokes would look like? We’ve all thought about that at some point in our lives.
Well, here it is: Duo Design. Jaroslaw Marciniak and Dariusz Wronski are “former Polish national hand-balancing champions”, which it seems to us is like summarising your life as “I once won a medal at the annual Bulgarian Farmers’ Fair for Sheep Juggling“. Still, we were mighty impressed by the obvious strength of their abs, traps, glutes, and all those other muscle names we had to Wiki to find out.
They deserve to go far, but we fear that if we have to type their names again, our spellchecker will leap out of the computer and run away screaming.
Most Expected Surprise Guest: this had us in suspense. Would it be Simon Cowell, unable to resist turning up for an episode to hurl abuse at the mentally ill? Perhaps Amanda Holden, come to compare notes on these “Homo Sapiens” with Sharon? Or maybe Michael Jackson, operated by puppet strings and performing an all-too-realistic version of Thriller?
No, no, no.
In a move which prompted Barack Obama (the fricking President of The United bloody States) to bring his big speech forward by an hour, NBC broadcast an interview with Susan Boyle (oh, you do: great big pubey hair. Tangled monobrow. Second Coming of The Christ).
And what tastefully restrained title did they come up with for this celebration of The Voice? “Susan Boyle: Daring To Dream“. Oh, America: how you amuse us with your well-meaning-sentimentality-which-unfortunately-comes-across-as-trite-and-childishly-simplistic.
The interview is probably best summed up by the very first words spoken by Viera, attempting to detail Susan’s background in a form easily digested by Americans: “Susan Boyle was born in Scotland: the land of bagpipes, Braveheart and maybe even a big boy named Nessie“. Oh, well done, NBC. Couldn’t you have gone on to tell us how remarkable it was she had survived so long without falling victim to the booze, the skag, or the congestive heart failure?
And then came Susan, having undergone a makeover which has left her looking like the world’s most terrifying clown: as though the producers had grabbed the weirdest looking? hobo they could find and spent half an hour throwing lipsticks and mascara brushes at his face.
She’s had the headpubes straightened, she’s started wearing makeup, she’s got a nice dress on. Well, lah-di-dah, Mrs Poshpants: before long she’ll be shunning the company of beavers and pretending like she doesn’t understand the grunting of grizzly bears. Stuck up bitch.
Susan delivered a compelling argument for the adoption of universal healthcare wittered on for a bit about Scotland, kilts, fame, and the best way to tease nesting cockroaches from bushy eyebrows. And she didn’t even sing a bloody note.
Ah, well. It was satisfying enough to discover that, since her release into the wild, she has been living a fulfilling life and has no regrets about the lack of privacy, the demand for ever more impressive performances, and the slightly mental sweary/stompy public appearances.
We’ll see you next week for the Vegas rounds. Who knows, perhaps Darth Jackson will show up to give us a critique of the dancers. “Yeah, it needs a bit more hip movement, keep your elbows tight, and I’m not really feeling the whole creepy virgin thing.”
Bill says
I’d rather be a “gay David Schwimmer” than an “asshole Gibbo” ANYDAY.
You ignorant tool.
Jean says
Love Susan. Hate Gibbo.
CaledoniaForever says
The interviewer is of Portuguese descent, and her name is Vieira, not Viera. A little lazy, aren’t you?
clara austen says
Are you aware that you are very rude and very unfunny? I love Susan Boyle and Meredith thank you very much.
Lydia says
Gibbo,
Get a job that you are good at. Writing and being rude is way over rated. Get a life. Hater
Margs says
You are an idiot. Discussing writer and have no appreciation or respect for people. Susan Boyle has become much loved by the world and you are an asshole.
WE ALL LOVE HER IN NEW ZEALAND
Judy says
This is simply the worst-written, most offensive and moronic–and unfunny!–piece of drivel I can recall reading in many and many a day. UGH.
alioops says
Hate is NOT a family value, Gibbo. Every word of your article dripped with it, and it seems you having nothing better to do or you would have been off doing it, somewhere. No GO there! No one will miss you as evidenced by nearly EVERY comment. We just don’t like you!
nufsed says
The Second Coming.
you said it, Brother/Sister/Gibbo.
Amen.
leonina says
You are an idiot with a superiority complex which are the worst idiots.
You and all the “clever” people who try to put Susan down are making a big mistake thinking of Susan as any other reality TV celebrity who have a 5 minutes fame and then is forgoten.This woman has talent and a big one, not only her voice but her personality, her stage presence, her skill in communicating with the public, her very healthy sence of humor. I see a normal,strong, brave, gatsy lady up there with a determination to fulfill her dreams that you wish you could have. So, go and learn how to write, became humble ( that may not be easy for you) enough to respect people and I mean your subject matter as well as your reader.
sw says
How obnoxious. I’m really glad that I do not believe for a minute that most Britons are like you. And after reading this rubbish, I’m terribly glad to be American.
Jani says
I had AGT on for the first time ever just so I could watch the Susan Boyle interview.
I must think an awful lot of her to be able to sit through such an awful show.
But I enjoyed the interview, seeing Susan so healthy and happy.
Jill says
I think Gibbo’s education is showing!(wasn’t meant as a compliment)
Paulamarie says
You really missed the mark with your offensive article. There are millions of us Americans who love Susan Boyle. She looked lovely in her new dress and hair do! She is a genuine person we can all related to, NOT one of those Hollywood “it girls” that doesn’t have any talent or a brain in their head. Yeah Susan! You go girl!
sigerstad2 says
You poor, pathetic little man. It is exacty this type of judgemental cruelty that has stopped so many ordinary people with extraordinary talents from ever attempting to live their dream. Can you even comprehend the courage it took Ms. Susan Boyle to face that? You proclaim that her responces are forced…do you even know what it takes for a shy person to suddenly be in the public eye 24/7? I do hope you will enjoy eating your words when Susan Boyle releases her first CD and millions of her fans worldwide exercise their appreciation of her amazing talent by purchasing them. It is called putting your money where your heart is…what will you have to say then Gibbo?
Marty says
Gibbo, Susan Boyle has more class and talent in her little finger than you have in your whole body, and you know it.
She’s also a tough lady that’s been able to get passed the likes of you and go on with a successful career.
You, my friend, will remain in your meaningless job forever.
I almost pity you.
Kat says
ha ha ha someday…Gibbo,…is that your name? IS THAT A NAME..?
Sounds more like gutter trash to me…someday hon you will be the waiter at Susan’s table and you will be eating the crumbs…from her table….ha ha ha
Living well is the best revenge..! why don’t you go crawl back into the gutter from whence you came? ha ha ha
patty says
Finally an article I can relate to. Good piece. Simon is still trying to shove Susan Boyle down our throats and used AGT to do it because his pal Piers Morgan is a judge on that show. Leather face Meredith needs to retire because I’m beginning to count her wrinkles rather than listen to what she has to say.
Evalizzie says
I have never read such a terrible article before. I was almost afraid! It
Evalizzie says
Patty above.. you are completely wrong. They needed Susan to save AGT.. too low rates, ya know.. And they surely got some more watchers. And if you relate Gibbo
leonina says
Patti, this is for you, if you hate Susan that much as to relate to this rubbish ,why are you looking at her pages in google, nothing else to do? To help you remember when Susan had her audition Simon this not ask anybody to look at her video, we did it because we love what we saw. Susan Boyle saved this year BGT and during the tour she was the one selling the most tickets and getting the ovations.Simon could not force us to do anything because we are not idiot like you and Gibbo. You two, hand in hand can go to hell for what I care but leave Susan alone, she is too much for you to understand.Patti and Gibbo go back to the boring job and patetic life of you. How do I know that? because nobody that is happy in his life can say this kind
of things to another human been. But don’t warry what goes around, comes around.Some day you will pay for your cruelty to a lady that did not do anything to you.You two will be eatting your world soon and Susan would be singing for us.
Hazel Rolleston says
I had never heard of you before I read this article Gibbo. Are you eaten up with jealousy or are you simply opting for notoriety, as fame is way beyond your reach? I wish you would find something more positive and constructive to do. I am sure you would be happier.
patty says
You Susan Boyle lovers are delusional. She didn’t save either of the shows. Get real. She didn’t even win first place. She probably did get ovations but so did the other acts. Are you people on Simmons payroll? Why else would you be plugging her? Why didn’t she sing a song on AGT? Could it be she doesn’t know more than two songs? Susan is nothing but Simmons puppet and if and when a CD does come out – it will be a big flop.
duneating says
Crikey Gibbo, I think you may have really touched a nerve there. Only thing is……Susan Boyle as quaint and clearly talented as she might be, is still overplayed oversold and ever so slightly overrated. As all of you are wetting your panties over someone who is undeniably above average as a classical singer imagine what you would do if you heard someone who was actually brilliant! What tiny sheltered lives you must all lead if you think that this is the be all and end of of culture. Maybe it is because you don’t have anything to compare her with. Turn your TV off and go to the theatre, opera, ballet anything that might broaden your mash potato minds a little.
Please make the Whining Stop says
I read a review of an album by a band I like the other day. The reviewer didn’t like the album. I may have to send him an email telling him that he’s a moron and needs another job. If I like someone EVERYONE MUST!
Sweet Mother of Mercy….
patty says
I’ve been to several live theatrical performances because I live in NYC. Thats why Susan Boyle doesnt impress me. Ive seen and heard better.
grace says
don’t you realize that the people who search the net for stories about her are her fans? pretty silly of you to post an article like this on the net — too mean spirited and not funny in any case
patty says
Even though I’m not a Susan Boyle fan – it’s her fans I can’t stand the most and follow them all over just to annoy them.
Evalizzie says
patty.. get a life ;) And you surely ought to be on sites that praise or bully singers whom you LIKE.. not going after Susan nagging at her and her fans.. But of course it can be that she has touched something unconscious in you.. just like in other haters..
One member of the now more than 71 million youtube audition site has explained that kind of hatred quite interestingly. Perhaps you patty belong to those trolls with Gibbo though he is only working.. he
patty says
I’m happy for you all that Susan Boyle gave you a reason to live but for me … she’s still nothing more but another Simon Cowell X Factor character.
Sonia says
Gibbo – you are a Brain Drain… rude, but I feel sorry for you, you obviously have lived a sad life, so now you have to critisize this Lady and a wonderful singer. I listen to her on many of the websites. Like everyone else she deserves Fame. She has mild learning difficulties which you Gibbo would obviously have no concerns about either. Well Done Susan..Hope you will have an album published.. Good Luck in everything you do.
Have a look at some of the other celebrities and their totally disgusting behaviour…….Leave Susan alone she has done no harm.
Evalizzie says
You patty are only jealous for Susan because you
sigerstad2 says
You were, are, and will forever remain, a poor pathetic small minded, mean-spirited, and heartless little man. You would not know talent if you ran into it. Perhaps you had best seek another line of employment for which you are better suited…like cleaning the loo!
JCricket says
Susan Boyle is known around the world. Who cares who ‘Gibbo’ is? Sounds like a Perez wannabe. (Hardly something to aspire to.) But like the rest of the entertainment industry, he/she knows that to mention SB is to get readers. Pitiful really.
Lanie says
So you live in NYC congrats to you and i will send you a cookie… But besids attending numerous plays do you have any other qualifications that will distinguish you as a person who should judge anothers worth/talent?..
I will say that I am not a “fan” of Ms. Boyel, but what she is, is an image of is raw talent that hasnt been tainted by industry. She has poise and gumption and that is what matters.
first time visitor says
bit of a waste of space this site – won’t be back!