Some things haven’t changed from the British version of Got Talent.
There’s the smug judge on the right, the facially inarticulate judge in the middle, and Piers Morgan on the left (still desperately trying to make comprehensible words come out of his slimy, floppy-jawed mouth).
And now America’s got Talent strikes another BGT-like chord: last night, an aesthetically displeasing lady with terrible hair lumbered onto the stage and sang a song a bit better than you’d thought she would.
They’re obviously nicking all our ideas. Which is depressing, as it means that fifteen dancing twatpuppets will win the thing.
Well, at least the the journey there should be lots of hilarious funnery a dispiriting blend of pretentious ten-year-olds trying to avoid an after-show parental beating, and hallucinating pensioners trying to avoid peeing onstage.
Let’s see what AGT gave us this week:
Most Unsurprising To Be Thrown Off: Reality, from Memphis. Three girls who believe that they are attractive and two boys who believe themselves to be heterosexual.
Art students who performed a showtune with all the melodic harmony and showbiz pizazz of Sylvester Stallone singing a Leonard Cohen song while stoned.
Quite rightly booed from the stage. Quite wrongly not packed into a crate and delivered to the nearest abattoir.
Most Safely Dangerous Act: If you’re going to do an act with fire, we need it to be something with the potential for dreadful self-harm: swallow flaming petroleum, set your hair on fire, or stick red-hot needles up your urethra. Something that makes us go “Wow, they are either an incredibly resilient human being, or else a terrible dumpsplash of a person who would shove red-hot needles up their urethra in order to be on the telly for eleven seconds“.
Point being, a fire act should not consist of you trying to keep a broomstick with a candle on each end as far away from your body as you can by holding it in the air on your feet. On these criteria – and the fact that he looks like a just-outed-himself-and-going-overboard-with-the-gay-thing David Schwimmer – we declare Simon Chaban to be the losingest winner.
Most Susan Boyley Performance: Remember when Susan first trundled onto the BGT stage, hair swaying like a pube helmet and hips swinging like a gorilla in a dress trying to make a casual entrance into a meeting of Anorexics Anonymous?
We do. We dream of it. Dreams in which a beefy-wristed Scotswoman twists our limbs into uncomfortable, yet oddly enjoyable, positions.
Anyway, you know the story: unattractive lady comes on, sings a show tune okay, it gets disguised for broadcast with some dubbed audience noise, and YouTube melts as a trillion overweight American ladies try to embed the video in their emails.
Yet those bloody Yanks had to go one better, didn’t they? Not-pretty lady? Check. Backstory involving rejection of singing based on physical appearance? Check. Hair that would shame a hermit? Check. Showtune sung badly? Check. Bilateral cleft palate? Che…Wait a minute, what?
Oh, yes. Not content with merely repeating the Boyle template, America has added medically genuine physical defects to the mix. Kari Callin, a radiology technician from Seattle, last night stepped up to the plate and delivered a performance likely to generate YouTube viewings in the hundreds of… well, just hundreds probably.
But still: the torch passes. And long may you carry it, straggly-haired and easy-target-of-fun Kari Callan. For where would hecklerspray be without a hilariously ugly talent contestant to mock?
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TIM/USA says
im touched by this lady but she is no Susan Boyle
very good singer though
the cruise ship was stupid.
AireMom says
Is Kari America’s Susan Boyle? No, I’m afraid not. Susan Boyle’s voice is richly complex, and she sings from the depths of her soul directly to the souls of those listening. It will be a long lot of years before that turns up again. I do think Kari will make a singing career. She sounds good and sings with feeling, but no, she can’t come close to Susan Boyle.
Leo734 says
Her next performance will probably be a bit less – and as scripted, she will just squeek through to the next level, but will come back with a great performance and warm the hearts of all. Will she win, who knows, will she get a record deal, probably, will she become a Barbra or a Judy – probably not, but anyone who listens to that song and says she doesn’t have pipes – well – not much more to say that’s printable. The 9 year old with the guitar, I can’t wait to hear him properly hooked up to a sound system – How does the tap dancer stay chubby, he must eat like a bear, but wow can he tap.
Jenn says
Simon’s not gay… Just thought I’d clarify that one.
Jenn says
Also, I wanted to clarify his act, it is fire AEROBICS — hence him not eating any fire.
Lin says
I adore Susan Boyle, but after hearing Kari Callen, I have to say I think she has the better voice. They both give me goose bumps and both are amazing. I would not want to have to be a judge who had to choose between them if they ever were in the same competition. Callen should win this contest, and I hope she is not robbed from a win like Boyle was. Yes, Boyle was cheated, all because someone changed the call-in voting numbers for Boyle on YouTube to the one that caused that “dancing” group to win, when they should not have won.
Amanda1 says
Heckler Spray. Gossip for schoolyard bullies all grown up.
DESIREE says
I THANK THE LORD FOR RAISING UP SUSAN BOYLE AND KARI CALLEN. I HAVE BEEN SO TIRED OF ALL THOSE VIDEO DANCING BABES YOU SEE NOWADAYS WITH NO TRUE SINGING TALENT. THEY JUST LOOK PRETTY; BUT SUSAN AND KARI HAVE BEAUTIFUL SOULS AND BEAUTIFUL VOICES THAT MAKE EACH OF THESE LADIES “TRUE BEAUTIES.” LOL TO ALL, AND BLESSINGS FROM ABOVE.
Sharn says
I didn’t like Susan Boyle (pity me for I’ve never been kissed) and I don’t like Kari Callin (pity me for I’ve never had a boyfriend). Shaky show-tune vibratos and loud and shrill bellowing are NOT signs of vocal strength. And there is no excuse for looking hideous and then complaining on syndicated TV that it turns people off. Don’t like the way you look? Do something about it. Buy a lipstick, get a hair cut, put on a nice outfit. Maybe you’ll get laid and you won’t have to torment the rest of us with your pathetic sob stories and run-of-the-mill singing.
Dallas says
>I HAVE BEEN SO TIRED OF ALL THOSE VIDEO DANCING BABES YOU SEE NOWADAYS WITH NO TRUE SINGING TALENT. THEY JUST LOOK PRETTY
Yes, I’m so sick of attractive women, me :-D
d.
Ruth says
Sorry, folks, but the Kari girl was terrible!! There was nothing unique or mesmerizing about her act. Listen to her on audio only… it’s nothing! Listen to the her clip “Rain on My Parade”… it’s pure jibberish! Hey, Judges, STOP THE PITY JUDGING!!!! Comparing the vocals of Kari to Susan Boyle’s range is like comparing a wind-up toy to a Porsche. NO COMPARISON. Not even close. Too bad Simon is not on AGT, as he would keep it real… Simon knows talent and is not afraid to be blunt and honest. So, AGT Judges, take a clue from Simon and do your job, and judge on TALENT, TALENT, TALENT, REAL TALENT!
Dawn says
Sorry but Kari was just plain awful to listen to. I was hopeful, I wanted her to do well. It was dreadful. The judges falling all over themselves gushing about her ever making 40,000 on a cruise ship was just stupid.
Grazilda says
I don’t know about anyone else but wouldn’t it be nice to see the people on the stage instead of always looking at the judges faces while the performers are on stage???
It would be nice to see the acts. Camera person needs to be changed so we can see the stage and not the judges faces and crowd all the time.
Neil C. Reinhardt says
I am 74, and aside from me being more places & doing more things than most probably 95 percent of those my age much less those younger than I, I’m also smarter than 97% of all people.
Anyone who says Karie was terrible is a pea brained IDIOT who has NO damn clue! She WILL get a record contract and she WILL become famous.
PERIOD!
END OF STORY!
Neil C. Reinhardt
Ruth says
LOLOLOL at the last comment!
Neil C. Reinhardt says
to Ruth
KISS My you know what
magnetite says
To Neil C. Reinhardt,
Sir, in light of your many years upon this good earth, I would like to take the opportunity to insult you chronologically for each decade of your long life and for your idiocy, arrogance – and not least your disrespectful tone when addressing a lady.
Take a powder, you whacky crumb.
Shut your bunny yap and blow, bo.
Cool it, Big Daddy, you’re bad news, like Nowheresville.
You’re bumming us out with your coconut lingo, you melvin.
You raggin’ on the chicks ain’t cool, cheese weasel. Dig?
Sucks to be you, you lame dipshit.
Get over it fart-knockin’ shady mo-fo.
and bringing us right up to date with the zeitgeist. Douchebag. Quite simply so. Douchebag.
(Some of the above may have culture/decade-blurred, but then I’m not smarter than 97% of people.)
Respectfully yours,
The 21st century
dilysergic sunshine says
this is actually a really badly written and completely ignorant article. I think you need to seriously rethink your social stereotyping and come to terms with the fact that you are probably a bald, fat and stuck up man who is going to die one day and fade out from your shallow and meaningless existence. get a life and stop mocking everyone elses and just for your information a cleft lip and palate is a terrible terrible thing to be born with and the surgery those people have to endure from childhood is unbelievable, so you really need to do your research before making such horrible comments
Neil C. Reinhardt says
Look magnetite, you ignorant little brat,
The audence gave Kari a STANDING Ovation. I have heard a LOT of singers and I liked her singing.
Next Child, A LADY would have NEVER said what she did. Only you are too STUPID to know that.
So go play with the rest of the retards where you belong.
magnetite says
To Neil C. Reinhardt,
Sir, I suspect that your definition of a lady is merely that of a silent, subservient drudge who defers to your superior intellect. I find nothing of any offence in either of Ruth’s comments, the latter of which may be taken in a number of ways. I also suspect that you strove to take that comment in its worst possible interpretation – that of a personal attack upon yourself, which would explain your ill-mannered response.
Regarding Kari Callin – there are Polka bands out there (Polka bands, for Christ’s sake) who become briefly famous, at least among their target demographic, so this is no indication of the kind of talent which would lead to a sustained career in the music business. Your personal taste in female artists is similarly no indication of success.
Finally, I am quite sure that Retardia is not a place. So surely you should have said ‘with whom you belong’. That stratospherically high IQ of yours evidently doesn’t extend to your grasp of grammar.
(less, by dint of your tiresome erosion of it) Respectfully yours,
The 21st century
p.s. My mother is 77, and therefore of your generation. She wouldn’t take any of your shit either.