Replacing Paula Abdul on American Idol will be tricky – producers need to find someone vivacious, warm and emotional.
But for now they’ll stick with Victoria Beckham. She’s not really any of those things – in fact she’s a sour-faced android, so she’s the precise opposite – but she is available. We can’t overstate that enough. Victoria Beckham is always available for work. Always.
Victoria Beckham will temporarily replace Paula Abdul on the new American Idol. So will Katy Perry, in what appears to be a stipulation on Victoria’s part to ensure that she isn’t the crappiest thing about the new American Idol.
If there’s one thing that Victoria Beckham longs for more than anything else, it’s a silhouette that doesn’t look exactly like a toffee apple. And if there’s another thing that Victoria Beckham longs for more than anything else, it’s a speaking voice that doesn’t make her sound like a recruitment consultant from Basildon who detests life. And if there’s another thing that Victoria Beckham longs for more than anything else, it’s a haircut that didn’t start off as ‘Tinkerbell’ but end up as ‘malnourished pederast’. Or a cleavage that doesn’t look like a human scrotum trapped in a glass vice.
More relevantly, though, if there’s one thing that Victoria Beckham longs for more than anything else, its to break America. But up until now, all her attempts have gone down in flames. Her reality TV show was cut down to one episode. Her guest spot on Ugly Betty saw her inexplicably adopt the speech patterns of an infant John Merrick having an asthma attack. And her efforts to befriend Katie Holmes were dashed when Katie tripped on a pavement and Victoria discovered that she was full of nothing but wires and bleeping circuit boards.
But now Victoria Beckham’s dream may finally be realised, and it’s all thanks to Paula Abdul. Because Paula Abdul quit American Idol so close to the new season’s audition stages, it left the producers in a bit of a bind. Should they keep the American Idol judging panel as a threesome? Should they hire a permanent judge straight away? Or should they plug the gap with whichever vaguely music-related celebrity had the least amount of real work on at the time?
Luckily for Victoria Beckham, they went with the last option. God bless sweet desperation. People reports:
As the dust settles on the shocking departure of Paula Abdul, 47, from next season’s American Idol, now comes confirmation from Victoria Beckham’s publicist that the former Posh Spice, 35, will make a “one-off appearance” as a guest judge on the top-rated FOX show.
Even though it’s only for one show, it’ll be sort of exciting to see how Victoria Beckham fares on American Idol. Not because we’ll get to see her utilise the culmination of 15 years of music industry knowledge or anything, but because she might get to say “You’re going to Hollywood.” That’s a seven-syllable sentence, which will break her personal best by around four syllables. Exciting!
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Mad Monkey says
America you are welcomr to her, we dont want her back here in the UK!!! Having her judge a singing contest is some what ironic as she cant sing. I just hope she doesnt realise that the US dont like her either as she may come back here – god no!
anon says
Wench. says
Pronounced correctly, “you’re” is one syllable.