Guess what we just heard – Adam Lambert isn’t the only contestant on American Idol. Isn’t that bizarre?

Bizarre but apparently true. One of the other American Idol contestants is a man called something like Michael Sarver. Or rather, he was a contestant – last night Michael Sarver was booted off American Idol, either for being bad at singing or for being ginger and a bit fat.

Ah, Michael Sarver. We hardly knew ye. True, that was a conscious decision on our part based on your basic inability to sing songs and your weird appearance – but take what you can get, fatty.

Firstly, we’d like to thank the American public. Last night Scott MacIntyre wound up in the bottom three of American Idol, but was saved. As we told you yesterday, Scott MacIntyre is the beating heart of American Idol. Alright, maybe not the beating heart as such, but his blindness has meant that the wardrobe department can quite callously dress him up in any old crap they like against his knowledge, and who doesn’t like to laugh at the disabled, right? Anyone? Hello?

But because Scott MacIntyre was spared from American Idol elimination, it meant that someone else had to be sacrificed in his place. But who? It couldn’t be Adam Lambert, because for once he’d sung in a way that didn’t make him sound like a guinea pig having an icicle inserted up its rectum.

And it couldn’t be Captain Monobrow because he’s already been eliminated once and, as fun as it’d be to bring him back and crush his dreams all over again, apparently that’s against the rules.

And it couldn’t have been any of the other American Idol contestants, because we don’t know who any of them are.

So that’s why, last night, it fell to Michael Sarver to fall on his sword. People recounts his demise:

On Wednesday’s Idol episode, Simon told oilrig worker Michael Sarver that he’d never win the competition. Now he never will. The voting public agreed with Simon’s assessment, and sent Michael home at the end of Thursday’s elimination show. Michael sang a reprise of “Ain’t Too Proud to Beg,” but by that point there was nothing really at stake — this wasn’t Alexis Grace. Probably no one apart from friends and family was expecting or praying for a Judges’ Save.

But don’t cry for Michael Sarver. This isn’t goodbye, this is merely au revoir. We may never see him, hear from him, think about him or even remember his name at any point beyond sometime this afternoon, but at least we’ll always have Michael Sarver’s best American Idol moments to cling on to. Like, um, that time he… no, wait, we were thinking about someone else. Never mind.

So farewell Mikhael Savron or whatever your name was. Nobody could do staggering anonymity quite like you could and, if we knew who you were, we’d probably appreciate that.

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