If Tiger Woods ever wants to release a perfume, at least this crappy week has given him the perfect name for it.
Transgression: For Men. You see, Tiger Woods has finally admitted to doing something wrong. He didn’t actually say what it was that he did wrong – it could have been sleeping with all those women behind his wife’s back, or maybe he did an armpit fart in front of a vicar, we just know – but he definitely did something wrong, and now it’s all out in the open. Sort of.
But now people want to know if Tiger Woods has wrecked his sponsorship potential. Hardly – he’s a golfer who women willingly want to have sex with. This has never happened before, in the entire history of golf. He’s going to be a gazillionaire!
We’ve been a bit hard on Tiger Woods this week. We’ve suggested that, if the rumours of his affair with Rachel Uchitel were true, that he’d be slung out into the commercial wastelands. After all, who’d want to buy razors endorsed by a man who allegedly cheats on his wife? But that has all changed now. Yesterday another woman claimed that she had an affair with Tiger Woods, and a third has come forward since then. This changes things, as we’ll soon see in the sure-to-be inevitable ‘Tiger Woods Says: Gillette Turns You Into A Raging Cock Monster!’ ad campaign.
Another thing that won’t harm Tiger’s commercial appeal is his decision to come forward and speak frankly about all of his alleged sexual exploits. Although, you know, as frankly as you can without admitting to anything specific. Here’s what Tiger Woods posted on his website yesterday:
I have let my family down and I regret those transgressions with all of my heart. I have not been true to my values and the behavior my family deserves. I am not without faults and I am far short of perfect. I am dealing with my behavior and personal failings behind closed doors with my family. Those feelings should be shared by us alone… I will strive to be a better person and the husband and father that my family deserves.
Oh blah blah blah. Can’t golfers do anything interesting? Tiger Woods can’t even apologise for allegedly banging a load of models without turning his statement into a dreary old snoozefest. This is terrible. Quickly, someone ask the Chinese to liven things up with a berserk animated reconstruction of Tiger’s crash! It’s our only hope of salvaging this!
Phew, that’s better.
What’s next for Tiger Woods? It’s hard to say. But we hope he doesn’t act on his desire to become a better person for his loved ones. He’s already the world’s most successful athlete, for crying out loud. We barely even remember to flush the toilet after we use it. There’s no need to make the rest of us look bad, Tiger, you arsehole.
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Chris Humpherys says
This is a somewhat better video spoof on Tiger… and it’s in English.
http://sportschump.net/2009/12/03/sportschumpnet-presents-out-of-the-tiger-woods-driving-school-video/2402/
Reggie Greene / The Logistician says
As sad as the whole Tiger Woods situation is, perhaps it might prompt us to re-evaluate the institution of marriage, and whether it is still a viable institution. Assuming, for purposes of argument, that there is no biological component associated with cheating, then simply examining the conduct of golfer Woods, Albert Einstein, Gov. Mark Sanford, Sen. John Edwards, Sen. John Ensign, inventor Henry Ford, Presidents Wilson, Roosevelt, Eisenhower, Kennedy, and Clinton, would strongly suggest that many do not respect the institution as presently constituted or evolved.
The frequency with which infidelity occurs suggests a systemic problem. Society might consider starting a discussion about a modified or different institution to serve the functions previously served by marriage.
The Dread Pirate Sausage says
This is assinine.
Every fifth married person is happy, ffs. Pretty much 4/5 of the married world is either cheating, or fantasizing about cheating. Senators do it and go, “Oh, sorry.” The NBA… well… anyway, Tiger’s not a criminal and his marital issues aren’t anyone’s concern but his own. He doesn’t owe the public any apology – the media owes HIM one for putting his every personal affair on Blast.
This’s the reason he barely talks to the media now, like a smart man.
I’m annoyed with Tiger Woods for not saying that. “Mind your own effing business. And if you were so sad for my wife, you’d probably not showcase her personal problems on international TV for the sake of lining your own pockets with viewership money, right?”