Just a hunch, but this Tiger Woods stuff means that we could soon see the world’s bitterest divorce.
Actually, that probably needs a qualifier. We could soon see the world’s bitterest divorce not to feature a one-legged woman and an old man who looks like your grandmother. There, that’s better.
What makes us so certain of the bitterness? Well, following the crash that was allegedly prompted by Elin Nordegren‘s discovery of a rumoured affair between Tiger Woods and Rachel Uchitel, another woman has come forward to claim that she had an affair with Tiger Woods, too. What is it about billionaire athlete Tiger Woods that attracts all these dead-eyed bimbos? Maybe we’ll never know.
We’re starting to believe that we can’t trust a single thing about. Take this old classic advert of all the kids saying “I’m Tiger Woods.” No they’re not. None of them are Tiger Woods. If they were, then they’d be crashing their little toy cars into fire hydrants and fighting off their violently angry wives who just caught them shagging a load of bimbos. Or something. Anyway, you get the point.
But still, at least it’s starting to blow over. Despite the lunatic circumstances of his crash, Tiger’s tactic of complete radio silence – combined with Rachel Uchitel’s insistence that she didn’t have an affair with Tiger – has ensured that this story will soon wither up and die. After all, it’s not as if there are legions of other women who are just waiting to come forward and tell the world that they had sex with Tiger Wood upwards of 20 times, is there. Is there, New York Post?
Jaimee Grubbs, a sexy, 24-year-old LA cocktail waitress, said she had her first of 20 wild sex romps with Woods in mid-April 2007, two days after she met him at a Las Vegas club. She said they headed to his hotel room for dinner. But “he just grabbed me and kissed me, and we started taking our clothes off and had sex,” said Grubbs, who has appeared on the VH1 dating reality show “Tool Academy.”
Oh come on. Your name is Tiger Woods, for crying out loud – part virile jungle animal and part euphemism for erection – so you were always going to get it in the neck if people started accusing you of affairs. But to allegedly have an affair with a woman from a TV show called Tool Academy? That’s just asking for trouble. Our advice to you – and God knows you need it, Tiger Woods – is to start screening your prospective mistresses by name before you end up cheating on your wife with a failed Bond girl called Areola Gineywobble.
Anyway, the gates are open now, so it won’t be long before someone else comes along to claim that Tiger Woods had it off with them. Who will it be? We have no idea. But our fist guess would be Michelle Wie, on the basis that a) she hangs around the golf circuit a lot, b) she’s a woman and c) her surname sounds like something funny that you do with your willy. That’s practically a perfect fit.
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