Let’s get the puns out of the way first, shall we? We always thought that Tiger Woods was a good driver.

His wife must’ve been pretty teed off. She must have been green with envy. What was Tiger Woods driving, a Volkswagen Golf? Ah, that’s all we’ve got. Anyway, with rumours abound that Tiger Woods crashed his car on Friday because his wife attacked him after learning of an affair, something needed to be done. So it has – Rachel Uchitel, Tiger Woods’s alleged mistress, has denied everything.

But we suppose that’s just par for the course. Sorry. We’re really very sorry. We really can’t emphasise that enough.

Remember when Fergie’s husband Josh Duhamel was accused of sleeping with a stripper? Well, this Tiger Woods stuff is similar to that, but it’s better. This is because a) it’s about Tiger Woods, who is more famous than Josh Duhamel, b) it’s claimed that Tiger had an affair with a woman named Rachel Uchitel, which is cool because her surname sounds like a fictitious Japanese communications conglomerate, c) Tiger Woods’s wife apparently got so angry at the supposed affair that she cut his face up real good and d) there was a bloody great car crash involved.

So far, nobody can really say for sure what happened to Tiger Woods on Friday morning. We know that he drove into a fire hydrant and a tree at less than 33mph, and that he passed out for six minutes as a result, but we don’t know why. At the moment, the most persistent rumour seems to involve Tiger Woods and his wife Elin Nordegren fighting over his alleged affair with Rachel Uchitel – resulting in lacerations to Tiger’s face – and then Tiger possibly crashing into a hydrant because Elin kept smacking his car with a golf club.

But maybe that’s not it after all, because Rachel Uchitel – a VIP hostess – has completely denied even having an affair with Tiger Woods. OK! reports:

Uchitel, who was rumored to have dated Woods in Australia, completely refutes accusations of an affair and claims that the entire story was made-up. “I never crossed paths with Tiger in Melbourne — not in a restaurant, not in the gym, not in the lobby, nothing… This is not something I want to be involved with at all. I’m not trying to go out there saying I’m having an affair with Tiger Woods.”

Oh thank God. After Jon & Kate Plus 8 ended we were worried that we might have seen the last piece of news about berserk-seeming women who are married to potentially untrustworthy men of Asian origin, so we’re over the moon that Tiger Woods’s marriage seems to be crumbling before our eyes. Especially since the divorce – if it happens – is going to be spectacular.

But still, let’s focus on the positive. We can’t wait for Tiger Woods PGA Tour 2011 to come out now – hopefully we’ll be able to use the Wii MotionPlus sensor to repeatedly dodge our screeching wife’s furious fingernails with more accuracy than ever before.

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