The worst thing about all this Tiger Woods business is obviously the effect that it’ll have on our faces.
Tiger Woods advertises Gillette, remember. But if he’s really been having an affair with Rachel Uchitel, how are we supposed to trust him? We already don’t trust Thierry Henry (because of his handball) or Roger Federer (because his eyes are too close together) – so if we can’t trust Tiger Woods, then what are we going to do with our faces? We’ll have to grow beards, that’s what. We hate beards. Damn you, Tiger Woods.
But luckily it might not come to that. Tiger’s alleged mistress Rachel Uchitel has swung to the rescue and offered to take a lie detector test to sort this mess out.
Rachel Uchitel has every reason to be outraged by the rumours that she had an affair with Tiger Woods. Because why on Earth would she? Tiger Woods is a golfer, for crying out loud, and golfers are notoriously dull. A golfer’s every waking moment is filled with thoughts of wind speed and swing velocity and loft angle and side spin. They’re all like that bloke off A Beautiful Mind, only less gay and more interested in wearing horrible trousers all the time. Why on Earth would a statuesque beauty like Rachel Uchitel waste her energy on a golfer like Tiger Woods?
Because he’s worth a billion dollars? Oh, right. That.
But anyway, Rachel Uchitel says that she isn’t romantically involved with Tiger Woods, that she wasn’t the root cause of Friday’s Tiger Woods car crash – the one alleged to have happened because Tiger Woods’s wife discovered the affair and attacked his face with her fingernails – and that a lie detector test could disprove The National Enquirer‘s claims to the contrary. The Examiner reports:
Rachel Uchitel said that she has offered to take a polygraph for the Enquirer, to prove her claims, but “they refused it. They told me it was too late and the story was running anyway… This is nothing to do with me,” she said. “We have never had an affair, and the claims we did are completely false… I am really upset about it because I am being portrayed as a homewrecker, when it simply isn’t true.”
The problem with this, though, is that The National Enquirer claims that all of its sources have been subjected to lie detector tests as well, and they’ve all passed. So clearly someone is telling porkies about this, but who?
He might be avoiding it for all it’s worth at the moment, but it seems like the only way this mess will get sorted out is if Tiger Woods decides to come forward once and for all and tell the truth behind the crash, the cause of the crash and his alleged relationship with Rachel Uchitel. He’s got nothing to be afraid of – he’s a golfer, so it’s guaranteed that everyone watching will have dozed off after his first three words and miss all the good stuff anyway. What’s he waiting for?