Normally when Paris Hilton needs a new friend, she goes to a puppy mill and buys one that she can stuff in her hand bag.
Since the world-wide puppy shortage, however, that has become impossible. She's tried filling that void with other animals, we heard, but the goldfish died in her mascara case and her squirrel kept trying to store nuts deep inside her. Picture yourself at a million-dollar luncheon, and acorns keep dropping out of your pant-suit. Untolerable.
Paris Hilton has given up her solo friend-search now, and is letting MTV find the yin to her yang, the Japan to her Germany, and the mindless cult to her Charles Manson. Via reality TV.
And if you don't feel enticed enough to apply yet, keep in mind we're pretty sure one of her eyes is a Johnny Depp piece of eight. Certainly that is worth your consideration.