This week Robert Pattinson became the first person on the face of the bloody planet to ever get a poxy haircut.
Or something. It was like magic. One minute Robert Pattinson’s hair was all long and crap-looking, and then it suddenly became slightly shorter and crap-looking. We’ve yet to discover how Robert Pattinson managed to make his hair shorter – maybe he used witchcraft, or maybe he rubbed it with a stone or something – but has that stopped him parading the new haircut around like some sort of dirty-looking magic-headed peacock, has it? No. No it jolly well hasn’t.
Since the haircut, Robert Pattinson has appeared on Ellen to show his new look off. Apparently he told everyone that he had it cut because he’s got nits. Those lucky nits! What we wouldn’t give to be able to burrow into Robert Pattinson’s scalp and shit eggs all over the place. Right girls?
We have to hand it to the Twilight marketing department – it’s doing a bang-up job of promoting Eclipse around the world. A few weeks ago we were worried that the whole thing would hinge on the question of whether or not Robert Pattinson was sticking it in Kristen Stewart with any sort of meaningful regularity, but that anxiety is a thing of the past.
Instead, the Twilight marketing department has opted for a multi-pronged approach. Yes, people are still talking about Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart’s relationship – but that’s been augmented with tales of how greedy the other Twilight stars are and, most importantly, Robert Pattinson’s new haircut.
You’ll remember – because it’s hands-down the biggest news story of the century – that Robert Pattinson got his hair cut this week. It’s essentially caused a frenzy of worry – will people still fancy Robert Pattinson with shorter hair? Will 14-year-old girls still urinate at the sight of him? What if they don’t? What if all teenage girls stop urinating altogether because of Robert Pattinson’s short hair? Do governments have a large enough reserve of pyonephrosis medication to combat such a turn of events? DO THEY? – but nobody knows why Robert Pattinson cut his hair in the first place.
But, thanks to an appearance on Ellen, they do now. MTV reports:
Asked by Ellen why he decided to cut his hair, Pattinson jokingly replied: “I got a terrible infestation of nits, and I had to shave it all off.” After Ellen informed the actor that “nits” are actually called “head lice” in the United States, she gently advised him not to “start that rumor.” No, I’m doing a film,” he revealed of the real reason behind his haircut.
You see? He was only joking! Robert Pattinson doesn’t really have nits! It’s obvious when you think about it, isn’t it? After all, nits are notorious for only living on clean hair, not hair that looks like it’s been matted with a mixture of semen and blood like Robert Pattinson has got! Oh Robert Pattinson, you really are a hilarious one.
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Gracy says
Rob Pattinson : Hair = success, Never ending Kristen
never ending rumors!
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