Robert Pattinson Changes His Hair Slightly! News! NEWS!

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This is awful news. Terrible news. Read this news and your life will never be the same again. It’s Robert Pattinson.

He’s changed his hair. This is a disaster. In years to come, your grandchildren will look up and ask you “Where were you when Robert Pattinson changed his hair?” And you’ll have to reply “I can’t remember what I was doing. I just remember passing out as soon as someone told me, and then waking up 20 minutes later in a pool of urine. Not happy urine, either. It was sad urine. SAD URINE.”

Without hyperbole, this is the follicular 9/11 – the Tiananmen Hair Massacre, if you will. Oh Robert Pattinson, how could you? You’ve cut off your nose to spite your own face. In fact, it would have been better if you had cut off your nose. At least noses grow back. Not like hair, Robert Pattinson. NOT LIKE HAIR.

This is a crucial time in Robert Pattinson’s career. He no longer enjoys the sole possession of the screeching army of moronic, perpetually-urinating 14-year-old girls that once made up his fanbase. He now has to share the limelight with the likes of Taylor Lautner‘s nipples and Justin Bieber‘s haircut. And, if decisive moves aren’t taken to crush Greyson Chance‘s dreams forever before they have a chance to properly flourish, Pattinson might lose the support of the screaming nitwits entirely.

In short, Robert Pattinson needs to play to his strengths. With Twilight: Eclipse just a few weeks away, Robert Pattinson needs to make sure that he does two things above all others – 1) play up his tedious maybe-relationship with Kristen Stewart at every turn, and 2) keep his hair as long and unkempt and trampish and unwashed and smelly-looking as possible. That’s the key to Robert Pattinson’s success. He’s just like Samson, really, only with more immediately noticeable hygiene issues.

Except, no, that’s not what Robert Pattinson has done at all. He’s only gone and cut his hair, hasn’t he? This is the worst news of all time! A world without Robert Pattinson’s hair is a world that we don’t want to be a part of. We might as well just kill ourselves right this bloody instant. People reports:

Twilight heartthrob Robert Pattinson was spotted hiding what looks to be a new buzz cut under a baseball cap while out and about  in Los Angeles this weekend. While it’s difficult to see his entire head without x-ray vision, it appears that the British actor has at least shaved the sides of his hair into a close crop.

Oh, so Robert Pattinson has either cut his hair or he just went outside wearing a hat, which would admittedly be slightly less of a big deal. Still, though, even that is slightly discomforting. Robert Pattinson wearing a hat would be like Taylor Lautner wearing a shirt of a jumper of a vest or some nipple tassles – wrong in every conceivable way. We’re going to avoid Eclipse now, purely because of this Robert Pattinson hair issue. And, you know, because Twilight is a sack of bollocks and only idiots like it. Both reasons, really.

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Comments

  1. Linda says

    You truly are living up to your jobs expectations. Making fun and bashing celebrities movies and lives.

  2. Tom Cruise says

    I so called this months ago and nobody believed me! I was at my week scientology meeting and barbra said “Tom, how does it feel to no longer be the hottest vampire in the world?” W/e barbra! W/e! I told you he wasn’t dedicated enough to his hair! I told you guys right after we all prayed to the flying purple spagetti monster. Now what? I’m on top again! <—-winnar! Woooooooooooo! Twilight suckas, should have stuck it out with anne rice! Respect the #$%! Tame the %!!#.

  3. D says

    Where have you been all my life? Found your site today and I have to tell you how much I LOVE it! Literally, LOL’d until I had tears in my eyes!

  4. jenny says

    is this a joke? he cut his hair for water for elephants. which is a great book.

  5. Emma says

    Mister, you are not afraid to joke about Robert Pattison? Ha, first time I see a brave man like you. Bashing Stewart for breathing air by estrogen imbalanced women(not that young , mind this, young are not capable of malignacy) became a norm . But HOLY ROBERT PATTISON? The graetest man this land has to offer since Winston L.S.Churchill? You might loose your job.

  6. August says

    You seem to have missed a keystroke. In the…fourth paragraph I believe, second sentence, you typed Robery instead of Robert. Nothing terrible, just callin’ them as I see them.

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