You know what we haven’t had much of lately? Good news about Lindsay Lohan. It’s about time that changed.
Yes, her life is in disarray. Yes, she’s in prison. Yes, the moment she leaves prison she’ll be whisked off to be locked away in rehab for three months. Yes, she has the voice of a Tuvan throat singer with a cold who’s just been karate kicked in the neck. Yes, her family is essentially a gruesome collection of grasping flesh-eaters that she’ll never be free of. Yes, she probably has ginger pubic hair. But let’s be positive – there must be some good news about Lindsay Lohan that we can report.
There is. According to her lawyer, Lindsay Lohan is making lots of new friends in jail. If only other convicted criminals would think of becoming emotionally needy chain-smoking lesbians before they entered jail. Lindsay, you’re an inspiration to us all!
So the good news is that Lindsay Lohan is in jail. The bad news is that, due to behavioural considerations and prison crowding, she’ll probably be out again at some point next week. That’s not bad news for us, you understand – we want her out on the streets and drunk as a lord again as soon as possible – but for her.
You see, according to Lindsay Lohan’s lawyer – the one who tried to quit a few weeks ago because dealing with Lindsay Lohan in a professional capacity without going mental and trying to kick her under a runaway horse is easily the most exasperating thing that any human being could ever be required to do – Lindsay Lohan’s prison stint has been marked by something she’s not particularly accustomed to. Friendship.
Actual friendship. Lindsay’s new prison mates don’t want money, or a reality TV show, or free nightclub entry, or anything from her. They just like her for who she is. Sure, they might occasionally hope for some cigarettes, or a sexual assault in the laundry room, or some light-to-moderate shanking from time to time, but other than that they’re just happy to be around her. Access Hollywood reports:
Lindsay Lohan is adjusting to life behind bars and she has even found a friend or two, according to her lawyer. On Sunday Shawn Chapman Holley, told Access Hollywood, ?she has made friends.? Holley added that Lohan ?is not getting special treatment and she hasn't asked for special treatment… The deputies have treated her respectfully (and she them).?
See? Lindsay Lohan’s on the up and up. She’ll be a changed woman by the time she gets out of jail, you hear? Admittedly then she’ll go to rehab and the three months spent surrounded by shaking, blank-eyed habitual drug users will make her want to drink more than ever and we’ll be back at square one and the cycle will continue and become more and more depressing and it’ll go on and on and on until Lindsay’s body finally gets tired of the abuse and inevitably gives up on her forever, but hey! Happy happy happy!
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tanya says
WHAT A JOKE GET HER HELP THAT SHE NEEDS>
I sit here and watch your news, the job you guys do is great. I do however have comments on celebrities that commit crimes. Fore instance Lindsey Lohan She has been convicted let her do her time. She is a human being just like the rest of us just because she choose to have a career in the publics eye does not make her more special than anyone in the world. We are all people and if I was to do what she does I would have to do the 90 days there should not even be talk about getting out in 13 days. Do not get me wrong I loved all the movies she has been in and I feel bad for what SHE IS DOING TO HERSELF, but we feed her by watching and commenting on her actions. Sometimes bad publicity is better than none. Most movie stars feel like they are invincible and we as the general public have seen it in the past and it is because they get away with so much or it is a small slap on the wrist it is just not right we have laws and a constitution for a reason and no one is above the law. I am not saying I have been a wonderful person I have made my fair number of mistakes. But please have this young woman
Dwight says
News Flash = Lindsay Lohan claims to be a (great) actor… who knew?! Is that what she is doing while in jail? Pretending to be losing her mind so they’ll let her out early? Suggestion, Lindsay, perhaps you might want to get some training in either the food service or cosmetology industries, just to have something to fall back on. Actress?! The child definitely has a sense of humor!
Nancy says
I really enjoyed reading this!
My husband and I actually debated this yesterday. He doesn’t think she’s making friends; he thinks it’s more like “Talk to me and I’ll put $1000 in your commissary…”
Nancy says
One other thing that I would like to know is why does she grin when she cries?