Just so we’re all clear, it’s Khloe Kardashian who got married. Khloe Kardashian. Not the pregnant one.
And not the other one, either. You know, the one with the bottom that looks like two vacuum-packed beachballs that have been stuffed with live fish and electrocuted. You know, the one who you’ve definitely seen having it off on the internet. Not her. It’s Khloe Kardashian who’s got married. The one who even the most ardent Kardashian connoisseurs call ‘the other one’.
No, Khloe Kardashian is the sensible one. After all, she’s known her new husband for an entire month now.
There are plenty of things that the Kardashian sisters are well known for. First, all their names begin with the letter K regardless of how they’re actually pronounced, because the only thing classier than alliteration is a name that doesn’t scan in any traditional sense whatsoever.
Second, the Kardashian sisters are known for their reality TV show Keeping Up With The Kardashians, which seems to assume that keeping up with any of the Kardashians is a worthwhile thing to do instead of just assuming that they’re simply being vapid, slightly objectionable and endlessly self-regarding because they’re the only three things that they seem capable of anyway.
And thirdly, the Kardashian sisters are known for being crap at men. Take Kim Kardashian, for example, the Kardashian who makes painfully unerotic amateur internet sex tapes for a living. Or Kourtney Kardashian, who recently decided to get back together with her ex-boyfriend for the exclusive reason that he accidentally knocked her up. And then there’s Khloe Kardashian, who’s just got married. To Lamar Odom, a man she’s known for approximately 17 seconds.
We already regaled you with tales of the boneheaded Khloe Kardashian nuptials when the wedding was first announced, but we haven’t told you about the wedding itself. That took place on Saturday and, as People is dying to tell you, was attended by some of the biggest names in showbusiness:
Cameras rolled for a future episode of E!’s Keeping Up With the Kardashians as 250 guests ? including the show’s producer Ryan Seacrest, Kelly Osbourne, Odom’s Laker teammate Kobe Bryant, with his wife Vanessa, and TV personalities Chelsea Handler, Lara Spencer, Brittny Gastineau and Lala Vazquez ? looked on.
Did we say ‘some of the biggest names in showbusiness’? Sorry. We meant ‘whichever minor personality loosely affiliated with the E! Network was free that day, plus Kelly Osbourne who we assume only turned up because she heard that there was free food’. Our mistake.
Anyway, if you’re annoyed because you missed out on Khloe Kardashian’s wedding to Lamar Odom, then relax – it was all filmed for Keeping Up With The Kardashians, so you’ll be able to watch it again and again and again whenever you feel a bit lonely or whatever.
And if you’re annoyed because you missed out on Khloe Kardashian’s wedding to Lamar Odom and you don’t have access to E!, then relax – the whole thing sounds so contrived and horrible that it’d probably be just as much fun to repeatedly drill holes into your own skull instead.