Remember Chantelle Houghton?

Sure you do – she was the winner of Celebrity Big Brother a couple of years ago, back when people actually watched it and the show wasn't relegated to E4 with an audience consisting entirely of Dermot O' Leary's mother (who only tuned in out of a sense of grim, WW2-like duty).

Well, brace yourselves. Bet you all thought that Chantelle's naturally graceful poise and beauty was just the result of superior breeding, didn't you? Bet you wept tears of jealousy knowing that a mere mortal like yourself could never attain such heights of genetic perfection? Fear not, children. It turns out that your bitter, fuming, stranger-stabbing envy was completely unfounded.

Chantelle, you see – and a number of other pointless oxygen-thieving 'celebrities' – have apparently been treating themselves to a bit of discount plastic surgery every now and then.

Hecklerspray is particularly interested in this. We'd love to find out how such normally expensive procedures can be done on the cheap. Life is a constant misery, what with having to put up with the cruel taunts of passers-by – stuff like 'you look like Brad Pitt, loser' and 'nice muscleboard abs and sturdy masculine cheekbones, you freak.' We're so tired, people. So tired.

Anyway. It would seem the best way to procure some cut-price surgery is to get yerself represented by Neon Management, the 'talent' agency behind such luminaries as dear old Chantelle, fellow Big Brother cretin Chanelle Hayes, tit wielder Nikki Sanderson and son-of-an-alcoholic-wife-beating-thug Calum Best – a list of people so supernaturally useless that the universe would probably give up on itself and commit hari-kari were they all to gather in the same room.

The catch? All the stars have to do is wax lyrical about Transform (the plastic surgery clinic) during interviews. PR representative Shami Choudry explained the move:

"By teaming up with Neon, we can get the recognition we deserve."

Absolutely. It's about time those noble, valiant heroes of the plastic surgery industry got some sort of break, isn't it? Face it – it's not as if they pull in countless millions of pounds every single year.

Still – relying on Chantelle to be articulate enough to give good PR might just be a bit of a gamble. Unless Transform are really quite keen on the slogan "yeah, plastic face-makey stuff is, like, wicked, innit? Can I have another Bacardi Breezer, please?"

"And a career?"

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Chantelle Does NOT Want You To Know This – Heatworld