Well we have just the property for you! Unless Michael Jackson ponies up $24 million in the next couple of weeks, his long cherished Neverland ranch will be going up for public auction.
That's right – there's nothing stopping you buying Michael Jackson's Neverland ranch. Apart from, you know, your chronic lack of money and that legally-disproved sensation you have in the pit of your stomach that a teenage cancer victim might have been wanked off there a lot.
Admit, as a child you looked at Michael Jackson's Neverland ranch with envy. You wanted what Michael Jackson had – a gigantic creepy shrine to your lost childhood best known for being the centre of several disturbing child abuse allegations.
Well envy no more, because Michael Jackson has apparently defaulted on his Neverland property loan to such an extent that the ranch will be put up for public auction on March 19 if he doesn't stump up $24 million first. And that means that you're in the perfect position to take Neverland off his hands at a dramatically reduced rate, as E! Online reports:
A San Francisco-based title company said Tuesday that the 2,500-acre property in Los Olivos, California, might be sold at a public auction scheduled for Mar. 19 unless the financially beleaguered singer can come up with $24 million he still owes on the estate… Per court documents obtained by Fox News, the auction would really bleed the property dry. It would include not just the grounds and buildings on the property, but all of the furnishings, appliances and various child-friendly accoutrements Jackson has added over the years, including "all merry-go-round type devices."
It's not really a surprise that Michael Jackson might lose Neverland – he hasn't lived there since he was cleared of those child abuse charges, for a start, plus he's subsequently got in trouble for not paying his staff and splashing about in pools of giraffe blood. And he even tried selling Neverland to the Beckhams, which is pretty much the dictionary definition of desperate.
But let's assume that Michael Jackson isn't able to find the money to keep his lenders at bay and Neverland does reach public auction. Just imagine what a giddy time you'd have as its new owner – you could have as many moonlit rides on the merry-go-round as you could stand before getting creeped out and running indoors to claw at your own flesh in the shower. You could be the first star of the new TV show Lifestyles Of The Rich And Unnaturally Obsessed With Childhood.
Heck, you might even find the odd bottle of Jesus Juice laying around if you look hard enough.
Plus, let's not forget that the global market crash means that you should be able to pick up Michael Jackson's Neverland ranch for a song. Honestly, lying stock-still at night wide-awake because of the constant involuntary shuddering you get from living in Michael Jackson's old house has never been so affordable.