X Factor‘s Rock Night on Saturday wasn’t very good for Rachel Adedeji, because it finally saw them get the boot from the show.
But they didn’t get the worst deal of it. No, that would be us. Because we had to watch the poxy thing. Honestly, we think ‘Rock Night’ might have been a typo – surely it was really called Cock Night or Suck Night or Let’s Transparently Try And Make Jamie Look Better Than He Actually Is Night. Yick.
Anyway, let’s have a bit of an X Factor recap, shall we?
Joe McElderry – From watching the last episode of The Sopranos, we know that Don’t Stop Believing usually acts as a signal that somebody is going to get mercilessly gunned down by an anonymous assassin. So imagine how disappointed we were when we discovered that Joe’s rendition of the song on Saturday’s X Factor only caused a couple of crappy dancers to come onstage and over-dramatically throw themselves around like they were in some sort of awful Spanish-language soap opera. In short, Joe’s performance was a bit insipid and plastic and empty – but, hey, as soon as X Factor initiates a Fey Songs From Bad Musicals Night, he’ll be laughing.
Lucie Jones – The start of Lucie’s performance saw her sitting on a sofa, which pretty much reinforced everything we thought about X Factor – namely that it learnt everything it knows about rock music from that dreadful Nickelback DFS advert. Anyway, after Simon Cowell‘s scathing review of her song from the previous week, Lucie needed to prove that she had the chops to be a relevant, current artist. So she obviously chose to sing Sweet Child O’ Mine, a song recorded four years before she was even born. Nice going, Lucie. Still, she did it while wearing quite a lot of eye make-up, which is apparently all you need to pass for relevant and current these days, so that’s OK. We still have two problems with Lucie Jones, though – 1) we still don’t quite believe anything she does, and 2) we couldn’t really pay attention to her performance because we were too busy thinking about how much we wanted to punch her guitarist right in his idiot face.
Danyl Johnson – Last week Danyl Johnson found himself in the bottom two; a position that almost all the X Factor contestants will eventually find themselves in. And, with all the decorum and restraint that we’ve come to expect from him over the last few weeks, Danyl reacted to it like he’d just been forced to watch a video of his entire family getting stabbed to death. So distraught was Danyl, in fact, that instead of performing Don’t Want To Miss A Thing in the traditional way on Saturday, he decided to sing it in the style of a man having an electrical current intermittently passed through his testicles. It was dreadful, but that didn’t stop Simon from leaping to his feet the moment it was over. Or maybe his bollocks were being electrocuted as well. Who knows?
Lloyd Daniels – We’ve been hard on Lloyd since the start of X Factor, so now we’re going to compliment him. His performance of I Kissed A Girl on Saturday was his best yet. Now, admittedly that’s because it was so full of dancers and backing singers and guitars and lights that we honestly wouldn’t have noticed if he and his stupid vole’s fart of a voice weren’t there. And, admittedly, that’s also because it was only forgettable instead of outright awful. But, nonetheless, it was Lloyd’s best performance yet. Maybe next week he’ll even be able to sing a song all the way through without making us think “But if you’re there, who’s stacking the shelves at Costcutter?” Stranger things have happened.
Stacey Solomon – If you read these X Factor recaps regularly, you maybe remember a few weeks ago, after Stacey performed a Coldplay song, we said: “Maybe next week Stacey Solomon will sing a Keane song and Louis Walsh will have an aneurysm.” Listen you X Factor idiots, that was A JOKE. We didn’t actually want Stacey Solomon to sing a Keane song. We were TAKING THE PISS. JESUS. Honestly, what is it with Stacey and godawful bedwetter schmindie music? Next thing you know she’ll be singing the greatest sodding hits of bloody Travis. THAT WAS ALSO A JOKE, X FACTOR. PLEASE DON’T MAKE STACEY SOLOMON SING THE GREATEST SODDING HITS OF BLOODY TRAVIS. Christ. Anyway, it was Stacey’s worst performance yet. Like you needed to be told.
Jamie Archer – Rod Stewart must be breathing a sigh of relief today, because he’s officially no longer the man behind the worst-ever cover version of Rocks by Primal Scream. That honour now goes to X Factor‘s Jamie Archer, who on Saturday ground out a tediously workmanlike performance of the song before pumping his arms and doing jubilant laps of honour around the stage like Jamie Oliver‘s paste-eating nephew. At one point Jamie shouted “Everybody in the house!” We’ve never wanted anyone to piss off quite so much in our entire lives.
Rachel Adedeji – The problem with Rachel Adedeji, right, is that X Factor wasn’t a singing competition for her. No, it somehow turned into a competition to see if the stylists could find her a haircut that wasn’t completely shit before she got voted off. And that’s a shame, because there’s a good chance that her performance of One on Saturday was the best of the night. If you like that sort of thing. Which we don’t. And nor do you. Obviously.
John & Edward – We never thought we’d say this, but we were a little bit disappointed by John & Edward’s performance on Saturday night’s X Factor. True, they had a nice few touches – rather than sing 1977’s We Will Rock You by Queen they sang 2000’s craptastic We Will Rock You by 5ive (feat. Queen), and they didn’t appear to know how either versions of the song went – but each week they’re straying further and further away from what made their majestic version of Oops… I Did It Again so superhuman. We don’t want hamfisted stabs at attitude, damn you. We want spoken word interludes. We want barely concealed hints of homosexual incest. We want, as if we need to spell it out, to hear John & Edward do Give Him A Great Big Kiss by the Shangri-Las. MAKE IT HAPPEN, LOUIS WALSH.
Olly Murs – Sometimes we’re glad that Mark Chapman shot John Lennon, you know. Saturday was one of those occasions. Because we get the feeling that, if John Lennon was alive to watch Olly’s version of Come Together on Saturday’s X Factor – with all its stupid dancing and stupid lip-licking and stupid “HUH!” interjections and stupid shirt-tearing and all the creepy sex expressions plastered all over Olly’s stupid big face – then he’d probably have ended up shooting himself.
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Connor says
Laura white from last year
Wrickson says
If Whitney Houston, Michael Jackson and Mariah Carey had started from Britain, they would have all failed. The X-Factor failed Rachel, the British media failed her by giving her very poor publicity compared to others. It was a hidden game plan. We love her. Talent is by birth more than praises.
Richard Shelmerdine says
I honestly think it’s all about Joe Mcelderry this year. He handles everything thrown at him. Check out my fan site over at. Joe Mcelderry
Paco says
The X-Factor is a popularity contest. The sooner people let go of the illusion that it is a talent competition the sooner you will enjoy the spectacle.
I am hoping Jedward perform Maniac [Flashdance] or Eye of the Tiger [Rocky III], as either would be a hilarious performance.
Y-Factor says
@Wrickson: Whitney Houston, Michael Jackson and Mariah Carey would not have failed if they started in Britain. Dannii failed Rachel by giving her really bad songs to sing and Rachel failed herself by not sticking up for herself. Just because your contestant bows out earlier than expected, it does not mean that it was because there is a conspiracy driven by the highest levels of government (sorry, that last bit was for Oliver Stone).
Rob says
Hmmmm. Not really sure what to think about the results of the X Factor this week. Just keep wondering how long Simon will allow his hard work to be made to look like a very expensive Karaoke show. Stars in their Eyes