Good news – the X Factor live finals are back! Better news – Kandy Rain were kicked off. Jesus on a stick, they were crap.
But, hey, at least X Factor is back, and keeping current, too – one week after the Strictly Come Dancing racism row, Dannii Minogue decided to kick off an X Factor homophobia row of her own. We can't wait for Dancing On Ice to return now because, if the pattern holds, Philip Schofield might just say something horrifying about Albanians.
But anyway, how did the X Factor contestants do? Let's have a wonderful recap, shall we?
Rachel Adedeji – Rachel?s obviously a bright girl, because she left university to appear on X Factor. It's a smart move because, while graduating from university is likely to increase your earning potential, most people who go on X Factor end up bitterly playing to tiny groups of disinterested pensioners in Welsh caravan parks for the rest of their miserable lives. Anyway, on Saturday?s X Factor, Rachel did a sort of muffled version of Let Me Entertain You accompanied by about 50 nightmarish mime artists who looked as if they?d like nothing better than to abduct your children and eat them. Horrible.
Kandy Rain – As well as being the first act out, Kandy Rain were the first act to kickstart a controversy on X Factor when, after their admittedly awful performance of Addicted To Love, Cheryl Cole essentially told them that they dressed like sluts. This caused Simon Cowell to remind Cheryl that she only got famous because she dressed like a slut too, which isn't strictly true. In actual fact, Cheryl Cole got famous by dressing like a slut and by screeching violent racial epithets at nightclub toilet attendants. Get your facts straight, Simon. Yeesh.
Olly Murs – So Olly Murs desperately wants to be Robbie Williams, and Robbie Williams was the guest mentor on Saturday?s X Factor. So what did Olly sing? That's right – a Robbie Williams song. In the style of Robbie Williams. On the plus side, Robbie Williams did say that he wanted to be friends with Olly, but that's only because Olly is exactly like Robbie Williams and Robbie Williams looks like the sort of person who masturbates to pictures of himself. Fact.
Rikki Loney – On Saturday?s X Factor, Rikki performed Back To Black by Amy Winehouse and wasn?t particularly good. However, that's not what we want to talk about. We want to talk about all of Rikki Loney?s poxy hats. we're starting to believe that Rikki uses hats as a kind of personality substitute. And if that's the case, it works. Because we do think that Rikki has a personality – it's the personality of a dickhead who wears too many stupid hats.
Stacey Solomon – On Saturday?s X Factor, Stacey Solomon performed The Scientist by Coldplay, and was promptly complimented by all the judges for her brave choice of song. It just goes to show how dull X Factor is when a ballad by the world's dreariest bunch of namby-pamby pissbags gets held up as a leftfield experimental voyage into the terrifying unknown. Maybe next week Stacey Solomon will sing a Keane song and Louis Walsh will have an aneurysm. Who knows?
Miss Frank – We've never really hidden our desire to see Miss Frank win X Factor. And we're still standing by that following Saturday?s show – their rendition of Who?s Loving You was timeless and soulful and actually pretty amazing. We hesitate to call perfect, because the one in the middle didn't arbitrarily break off and start rapping in a foreign language halfway through, but it was close enough for now.
Jamie Archer – Jamie Archer is a big-haired titsack who we dislike for any number of reasons, like the way that his version of Get It On was a pile of dreadful, overblown guff and the way that we can’t help feeling as if he's probably Jamie Oliver?s favourite contestant. However, Jamie shouldn?t leave X Factor just yet, because he's the star of our new favourite X Factor game – the How Many Times Will Jamie Archer Interrupt His Own Song To Bellow ?Come On? At The Studio Audience game. On Saturday?s X Factor it was twice. Can he beat this next week? We hope so. We believe in you, Jamie. WE BELIEVE IN YOU.
Lloyd Daniels – A theory: if hair straighteners were banned tomorrow, Lloyd would never stand a chance of winning X Factor. Because that's all he is – a silly haircut plopped on top of the world's dullest boy. On Saturday, his X Factor performance of Cry Me A River was lifeless and lacklustre and anaemic and only livened up by the mental dancer next to him who kept flinging herself around like she was on fire. The judges don't like him. The musical directors don't like him. Robbie Williams didn't seem to like him. But despite all this we get the feeling that Lloyd?s going to go far. It's a very silly haircut, after all.
Lucie Jones – Lucie is pretty, has a pretty voice and can sing ballads quite well. On Saturday?s X Factor pretty Lucie used her pretty voice to sing a ballad. we're probably going be cutting and pasting that last sentence into every X Factor recap we write about Lucie from now on, because we get the feeling that She'll be doing that a lot.
John & Edward – This year?s designated hate targets, John & Edward used Saturday?s X Factor to perform Rock DJ. And you know what? It wasn?t terrible. Now, was that because our expectations of them are so low that we?d be pleasantly surprised if they managed to go for two minutes without kicking a puppy in the ribcage or curling out a turd on the stage? Well, yes. Duh.
Joe McElderry – Joe McElderry is such a gaping charisma vacuum that he may as well not even exist. Case in point: on Saturday?s X Factor, Joe performed No Regrets as if he was auditioning for Robbie Williams: The Musical. It was dire, but on the plus side at least now we know what it's like to see a desperately bitter song performed by a grinning toddler. So that’s something.
Danyl Johnson – Outed by Dannii Minogue following his performance of And I Am Telling You, to his obvious distress. It's important to remember that Danyl is a teacher, and this sort of muck-spreading is bound to have a number of upsetting ramifications for him. Although, you know, if Danyl has got this far through his career in education without being the target of merciless bullying from his pupils, then his pupils obviously aren't trying hard enough. Kids these days, eh? They don't know they're born.