Are you looking forward to the Oscars on Sunday? No. No, of course you’re not. Nobody is. It’s OK. Nobody is.
Just don’t tell the Oscars organisers. They’re absolutely murdering themselves trying to get even a flicker of Oscars-related interest from the populous at large and, it’s fair to say, they’re failing spectacularly.
But the Oscar people have got an ingenious joker up their sleeves – they’re keeping the award presenters secret until the ceremony itself. Incredible! But here’s a warning – if the awards aren’t presented by Elvis, Jesus and a dancing troupe of exploding nuns, we’ll be sorely effed off.
Why do people watch the Oscars? In the past we’d studied this question in intense detail, and we thought we’d come up with three indisputable core reasons:
1 – People are genuinely interested in the fortunes of films that they’d never actually pay to see.
2 – People get a berserk, yet undeniably satisfying, kick from watching Kate Winslet cry like a slapped toddler.
3 – Loneliness and/or tragic mental deficiencies.
But it turns out we were wrong. The organisers of the Oscars know exactly why people watch their gaudy little ceremony, and that’s to see who presents the awards. No, not who wins the awards – people are desperate to find out the celebrities who’ll actually totter up to a plinth, blurt out three lines of awkward sincerity about the power of cinema as a tool of social change and then read the nominations for Best Sound Mixing.
No, really. That’s why people watch the Oscars. It is. And that’s why ratings for the Oscars have been in freefall for the last few years – not because people have got better things to do than watch an endless parade of smug millionaires blithely giving baubles to each other because they starred in barely-watched films about Darfur, but because the names of the Oscars presenters have been announced before the ceremony takes place.
But not this year, buddy. This year, to drum up excitement for their show, organisers of the Oscars have decided to keep the names of the Oscar presenters a secret until the very last minute, as the New York Daily News reports:
Don’t even try to find out which stars will be presenting the awards at this year’s Oscar ceremony ? it’s top secret information until the show airs. But will this strategy hatched by the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences to create suspense and intrigue actually hook viewers? ?I just can’t imagine it really makes anyone that much more excited about the Oscars,” said Bradley Jacobs, film editor at Us Weekly.
No, Bradley Jacobs! You’re wrong! This secret has made us much more excited about the Oscars. We just don’t know who’ll present the Oscars at all. Well, except for Daniel Day Lewis, who’ll probably present the Best Actress award because he won the Best Actor award last year and last year’s Best Actor presenting this year’s Best Actress Oscar is a tradition. And Marion Cotillard, obviously, because she won Best Actress last year so the same rule apples.
And Javier Bardem and Tilda Swinton, because they won the Best Supporting Actor and Best Supporting Actress Oscars last year and that’s how it works. And Jennifer Aniston, because that’s already been leaked. And probably Jack Black, because he seems to present something at every single bloody Oscars anyway.
But we’re absolutely going to watch the Oscars on Sunday to see who’ll present the other awards. Unless one of them will be Jack Nicholson. And one of them will almost definitely be Jack Nicholson. So we’re probably not going to bother, actually.
jeanne says
we want marion cotillard,daniel day-lewis,javier bardem,tilda swinton (we say because someone say rules change), gary oldman,emma thompson,keira knightley,gael garcia bernal,ellen page,daniel radcliffe,al pacino,benicio del toro,hayden panettiere and scarlet johanson
SouthCarolinaPowerball says
Hugh Jackman???
Shooty* says
“blurt out three lines of awkward sincerity about the power of cinema as a tool of social change”
That’ll be Sean Penn then.
Shooty* says
Meh, I was almost right.