Since there’s no Rubbish Lowbrow Dog Movie category, you might think that Jennifer Aniston doesn’t care about the Oscars.
But you’d be completely wrong. Jennifer Aniston does care about the Oscars. She cares about the Oscars so much that she’s going to present an award at this year’s ceremony.
Why? Is it because Jennifer Aniston is a dedicated student of acting who wants to help recognise excellence in filmmaking? No, it’s because Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie will be there and Jennifer Aniston wants to swan about in a little dress in front of them, cackling like a witch. Obviously.
Oh for God’s sake. We knew it. We knew this was going to happen. Yesterday we revealed how Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie spoke of how in love they were on the SAG awards red carpet, and we knew it was going to end in tears. We knew it.
Because, you see, the nature of the universe dictates that whenever a headline is written about Brad Pitt or Angelina Jolie, Jennifer Aniston has to swoop in and try to get two headlines written about her. It doesn’t matter what for – maybe she’ll get naked for a magazine, maybe she’ll mouth off about Angelina Jolie or maybe she’ll just wear a tight sweater to a restaurant – so long as it happens.
And that’s why it comes as no surprise today to hear that Jennifer Aniston has been lined up to present an award at next month’s Oscar ceremony. Because, if reports are to be believed, Jennifer Aniston doesn’t think that either Angelina Jolie or Brad Pitt will win their Oscars this year and if she gets to stand on stage in a little sidebooby dress with her hair brushed all good, then she’ll have totally shown them who’s boss. Actress Archives reports:
A source told Star, “She was a good girl and pulled back during the Golden Globes even though she had the hottest movie out.” The friend continued, “The movie will likely still be near the top of the box office. Jen will own the night. Brad and Angie might be nominated, but Los Angeles is Jen’s town.”
Our thoughts on the above quote:
1 - By “the hottest movie out” we assume that the source is talking about Marley & Me, a gloopy film about a puppy starring Jennifer Aniston that we’d completely forgotten about even though it only came out a month ago.
2 - “Jen will own the night,” part one. Let this be a lesson to all of you – if you ever want to own a night, spend that entire night squeezed into an impractical dress that restricts your breathing just so that you can briefly walk onto a stage, tell a bad joke that nobody laughs at and introduce the nominees for the Best Sound Editing Oscar before walking off again. It’s that easy, kids.
3 - “Jen will own the night,” part two. We don’t know who the source responsible for this quote is, but we’ve narrowed it down to one of 15 supporting characters from the movie Scarface.
The worst thing is, though, that Jennifer Aniston presenting an Oscar is only going to spur on Angelina Jolie to try and grab even more headlines in return. And, when you’ve already given your six-year-old son a knife, where else can you go? A fiver says that Angelina Jolie will admit to drowning kittens in binbags with Pax Thien before the week is out, just because it’ll get her on the cover of a magazine. Mark our words.
This story isn’t completely ludicrous, though. Plenty of actors only present Oscars to upset their rivals. take Sir Anthony Hopkins, for example – if you see him presenting an Oscar this year, know that it’s because Sir John Gielgud once pushed in front of him for a taxi and he still hasn’t forgiven the old dead bastard for it.