Hello. Are you a Westlife fan, troubled by the news that your Princes are going away to enjoy their moneyed-lives with their families and friends? Are you worried that there will suddenly be a void of mawkish, soaring ballads to sooth you while you self-harm in a bath of ice?
It’s bad news we’re afraid.
Westlife’s members have confirmed that the musical equivalent of an itchy jumper are unlikely to ‘do a Take That’ and get back together in a few years. Is it because Take That were always more relevant to pop music or is it because the Boyzone tribute market isn’t as lucrative as it once was? Who knows. Certainly not us.
There’s definitely no question of money. Especially not after Westlife announced that they will part next year after releasing a greatest hits compilation and going on a tour of Ireland & the UK (because no other countries care). Definitely nothing to do with grabbing a quick buck before they head of into the wilderness to await their call to the Never Mind The Buzzcocks ‘line-up’.
Kian (whoever that is) told someone or other that definitely wasn’t us:
“We walked away from a multi-million-pound record deal that would have changed our lives forever, secured our future beyond anything.”
Not that they’re skint, you understand. A career of covering other people’s hard work and standing from a stool when middle-aged women scream at you is both reminiscent of a Chippendale and surprisingly lucrative.
“It’s not about the money. We’d have made far more on a new record than we ever would with a comeback tour.”
Oh, good. It’s not about the money. They’ve decided they don’t want to put out a concept album. Presumably a concept album of them covering other people’s concept songs. We can’t confirm anything because they’re splitting up. Kian refused to address the issue of how much money they would make out of a greatest hits album and a farewell tour, having our hecklerspray reporter removed when he audaciously suggested that he was a money-obsessed hypocrite in a stained white suit.
Still they’ll make some money from their inevitable solo careers. Another Westlife member- apparently- Shane also told reporters that they will support each other when one decides to release an awful solo album, aiming to become the 21st Century’s Daniel O’Donnell.
“The first person to decide to do a solo record, the other three will all be there.
Wait… if they’re all there… would that not be another Westlife record?
“Everyone’s thought about going solo ? I would love to continue singing for a living.”
At the moment though, Westlife are channelling all their efforts into the farewell tour, making sure that their stage show isn’t as boring as their music. Luckily, nothing was mentioned about ticket prices. It’s not about the money after all. It’s about the opportunity to say goodbye to their fans. Perhaps they’ll waves handkerchiefs… or ?50 notes.
In case you gave half a hoot, Brian McFadden (the one whose name you know because he mounted Kerry Katona like a peroxide stallion) will not be joining them on stage. Apparently he has enough money. Somehow.
“We still sext him and stuff, but he’s not coming back.”
It’s a terrible time to be a Westlife fan. But then by the same token, we imagine it’s not been a great 13 years. Don’t worry though. They’ll be back in a few years. Bet your house on it.
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Anna says
The Boyzone picture confuses me :S
Tina White says
“They
Darren says
You’re a dickhead. You think you’re funny, but your comments are trite and puerile.
Grow up and get a life. You’re not funny.
Mangosta says
Once again the uninitiated blunder headlong onto a satirical gossip site, are confused and frightened by what they find and crash about mooing insults at the writers like cows on crack.
It’s at moments like this that I can see the positive side of eugenics.
Tina White says
“It
Michael Park says
I don’t really appreciate a) You mistaking me for someone else, b) You wishing I was never born because I wrote an article about four Irish boys that you seem to be alarmingly over-protective of.
Saying “he’s not funny” isn’t criticism, by the way.