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We all know Britain’s premiere broadcaster Channel 5 is working its socks off to bring us the very best in televisual entertainment every single day, which is why you’ll be pleased to hear that they’ve come up with the perfect vehicle for John & Edward Grimes, more commonly known as the entity “Jedward”!
Lucky us!
The TV gurus at Channel 5 have given the plucky lads the opportunity to stamp their chirpy brand of brain-damaged humour all over the home video clip show.
Remember Charlie Sheen? Oh, come on don’t be that way. Of course you remember him. He was in a few brilliant Zucker, Zucker & Abrahams spoofs in the early 90s’. Really? He was the ‘drug addicted bad boy’ in Ferris Bueller’s Day Off? Seriously? You don’t remember?
What about the drug-addled crackhead with more delusions than Piers Morgan and the glittering PR department that now handle Liverpool Football Club? You might also remember him for playing short-wearing, ditty-writing Charlie on the incomprehensibly successful ‘Two & A Half Men’.
See? Now you remember.
It might surprise you to learn that dubstep superstar Skrillex has managed to evade our detection up until now. Fans of uninspired, grimy rubbish need live in fear no longer. He finally matters to us!
Why do we suddenly care what the Greasy-Haired Prince of the Undercut is up to? Well, in case you haven’t heard he’s been making kissy-faces with Ellie Goulding of “having a jaw the size of a cruise-liner” fame.
There we go, there’s your jokes about their appearances. Did you enjoy them? No? Good.
Every week it’s the same, nothing ever really changes. We come into the hecklerspray bedsit on a Monday morning, having been released to poison the outside world over the weekend, and find the same stinking pizza boxes, the same drained bottles of methylated spirits and the same greasy, ignominious faces staring at us across the room.
Our ‘colleagues’ as we laughingly refer to them are actually lawyers who, down on their luck after losing a Tax Evasion case, have rented out the far corner of the bedsit which is sometimes known as “The Fred West Wing”. They look ill. Lawyers always look ill.
Perhaps it’s the smell which is putting them off their writs. The festering stench of the opposite corner, marked out by a laminated card which- in odious Comic Sans- reads “POST”. It’s enough to make anyone sick to their stomach.
There’s nothing worse than having to sit down and read loads of words. Especially if you’ve broken your leg or had your eyes ripped out by a sexually aggressive crow. That’s why we like to help you out by making some videos for you every now and then.
It doesn’t mean they’re good- as you can see Dep Ed Michael & ‘Spray scribe Euan have very, very shaky hands. That doesn’t matter though because, for your viewing pleasure, they’ve had a think about what Lawyers do when they’re not out chasing ambulances.
Worrying reports are beginning to reach the hecklerspray news desk of spontaneous combustion among children.
Reports so far are sketchy but it is thought that the exact demographic affected is girls & boys between the ages of 11 & 17. Parents are being advised to keep their children away from the internet for the foreseeable future to limit the risk of catastrophic explosion.
Experts have warning that if the spread of these fiery paroxysms isn’t stemmed immediately, it could lead to a cataclysmic chain reaction that could- if predictions are accurate- wipe out all human life on the planet, leaving Earth in the paws of Dormice.
A couple of weeks ago we asked you to vote on which of our regular ‘best of the web’ features would survive and live to fight on through the murky world of the World Wide Web.
It was a tough fight and some things were said which neither competitor is particularly proud of but we do have a winner. From this Wednesday, your ‘best of the web’ feature will be…
Enjoy!
Readers’ Letters: “A Troll Calls” Or “Learning To Be Alone”
by Michael Park on February 17, 2012 3 Comments
Of course, the outraged backlash against our good pal Breezy has seen #TeamBreezy go into remission, hiding around the corner, waiting to spread into our lymph nodes as soon as we let our guard down. That’s not to say that Chris Brown and his sycophantic legion of slack-jawed domestic abuse apologists are a cancer of the world of entertainment. That would be potentially libellous.
They are though.
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