You might want to sit down for this. Clay Aiken – the gay one from American Idol who everyone thought was gay – is actually gay.

We know. We were staggered as well. The news about Clay Aiken being gay broke after a cover of the next issue of People was leaked to the press, featuring a gay-looking Clay Aiken and the headline ‘Yes, I’m Gay’. Clay Aiken’s blindsiding admission is just the latest shocking scoop that People has scored, following last month’s ‘The Pope: Hey, I’m A Catholic’ and ‘A Bear: Yes, I Just Did A Poo In The Woods Over There.’

It was undoubtedly a very brave thing Clay Aiken to do – to reveal his true sexuality after so many years of hiding it from the public – but he shouldn’t have worried. Because whatever sexuality Clay Aiken happens to be, gay or straight, we still won’t really know who he is. And isn’t that the most important thing?

Wow. We really didn’t see this one coming. Literally nothing about American Idol‘s Clay Aiken – not his gentle voice, his polite manners, his army of housewife fans, his stupid hair, his gay teeth – could have ever prepared us for the fact that Clay Aiken is as completely gay as they get.

To be honest that’s because there’s literally nothing about Clay Aiken that suggests he’s ever owned a functioning set of genitals, but that’s beside the point.

The point is – if you hadn’t picked up on it yet – that Clay Aiken is gay. The news will come as a shock to some of Clay’s fans – particularly the ones without eyes, ears, instinct or the power of cognitive reason – especially since Clay Aiken fathered a baby not so long ago and is macho enough to start fights on planes. But tell that to People magazine.

The next cover of People has already been chosen and, because of its earth-shattering importance, leaked to the press. E! Online has the skinny:

“We can confirm that Clay Aiken and his son are featured on the next issue of People” is all the magazine would say in response to questions about its leaked cover, which boasts the pullout quote: “Yes, I’m gay.” “I cannot raise a child to lie or to hide things,” he says.

It’s commendable that, after years of what must have been heart-rending anxiety about his private life, Clay Aiken has finally decided to come out on the front cover of a magazine that probably paid him enough money to buy a house to do it. What’s more, there’s something intrinsically commendable about wanting to raise your child in an environment of complete honestly. We assume that it’s only a matter of time before Clay Aiken sits his son on his knee and finally confesses that, in all honestly, his 2004 album Merry Christmas With Love was a fat bag of shit.

Anyway, forget about Clay Aiken for a moment – we want to know how this announcement will affect his female fans. You know, the ones who follow Clay around everywhere he goes. The ones with posters of Clay on their walls. The ones who harbour tiny crushes for him. You know, the stupid ones.

Actually, we’re sure they won’t mind one way or the other. If they love Clay Aiken as much as they say they do, then they should just be thankful that their idol can now stop living a lie and express his sexuality as freely as he likes.

Plus, so long as that hunk Neil Patrick Harris still loves the ladies, they’ve still got a chance. Right girls?