You know what our dear old grandad used to say about life? He told us "you only get what you give." Or maybe it was "you only get what opportunities are afforded to you by your socio-economic background." One or the other.
Anyway, the gist of the message was that – to make it anywhere in this crazy old world of ours – it's always a good idea to be nice to people. Take that incident with hecklerspray and the postman, for example. If we hadn't been so consistently charming to him over the years, he would probably have reported those 'special' magazines we had delivered to the relevant local authorities. Yes, siree – being friendly sure does pay off.
Not that anyone has ever told Victoria Beckham this.
Victoria Beckham – a woman famous for a) singing and dancing a bit in a silly 90s pop group, and b) marrying a man so astonishingly stupid he seems like he's been possessed by a retarded ghost – is presently trying to make it big in the States. How? By launching an all-action reality TV show which follows her as she, um, walks around and buys things. And stuff.
Staff at NBC, however, have so far shown themselves to be less than impressed with Victoria Beckham's attitude. An insider revealed:
"We think she's full of herself and not very nice. She's very picky, demanding and rude. And she was mean to the assistants, too. She waltzes around with her icy attitude. People will walk up to her and say, 'Welcome to America', or, 'Good luck with the move', and she doesn't even stop to talk to them. The show is designed to make her a star in the States, but she's dreaming if she thinks that's going to happen. She's coming off as a grade-A bitch! No one knows what to do with her to make the show interesting – she's so boring! Every suggestion the producers make, she rejects."
Christ – what is it with 90s Brit pop stars and their failure to crack America?
First the Gallagher Brothers discovered that the patented Oasis formula (blaring out songs that sound like they're being wailed through a letterbox by a man in a tracksuit) didn't quite enthral the Yanks, then gurney-faced drug addict Robbie Williams came to the humbling realisation that his breed of half-baked cack wasn't going to set the States alight. Posh Spice, it would seem, is on the verge of filling in her membership card and joining the club.
Unless the producers do manage to come up with some interesting ideas for the show. Like an episode in which Vicky-babes has the word 'idiot' forcibly tattooed on her forehead, before she is then thrown onto a rusty bicycle and chased around Los Angeles by a pack of genetically engineered spider-dogs, all the while screaming '"'m so very sorry for every facet of my existence" to bewildered passers-by.