There are close to seven billion people on Earth right now. Stalkers aren’t exactly tripping over each other for fresh victims.
And yet Brady Green still stalked Tyra Banks. He could have tried stalking anyone else – someone who can only articulate their feelings without using a series of preposterous facial expressions, perhaps, or someone who seems pleasant – but no. Brady Green decided to stalk Tyra Banks, and now he’s been convicted.
Alright, technically Brady Green was convicted of stalking, harassment, criminal trespass and attempted aggravated harassment, but that’s only because you can’t be convicted of having dreadful taste in women.
We don’t want to labour the point here, but why would you stalk Tyra Banks? Honestly, why? The way we see it, you’re only going to get one of two responses from her.
Fail in your creepy attempts to woo Tyra Banks and all you’ll get from her is an earful of shrill abuse. Succeed and you’ll be forced to listen to her bleating all kinds of poxy self-help nonsense about how much she values your ability to validate her feelings for the rest of your life. Choosing between the two of them would be like choosing between sandpapering your eyeballs or sandpapering your nutsack.
But, in retrospect, we suppose that stalkers aren’t especially known for their clarity of thought. And that’s why Brady Green deserves our pity. The only crime that Brady Green was guilty of was to be in love with Tyra Banks. Unless you count following Tyra Banks around everywhere and threatening to slash the throat of one of her assistants, because technically they’re also crimes that he’s guilty of. People reports:
Supermodel Tyra Banks’s stalker Brady Green was convicted of stalking, criminal trespass and attempted aggravated harassment Thursday morning at Manhattan’s criminal court. Though the crime carried a possible 90-day jail sentence, Burke did not sentence the defendant to any jail time, instead instructing his lawyer, Jeffrey Berman: “Put Mr. Green in a location where he can thrive. And that location is not likely to be the city of New York.”
A location where he can thrive? What a foolish thing to say. By far the thing that Brady Green is most famous for at the moment is stalking Tyra Banks, so where’s the best place for him to thrive? That’s right, Tyra Banks’s knicker cabinet. Is that really such a good idea? Is it? Because it sounds like a recipe for disaster to us.
Anyway, at least now this stalking ordeal is over for Tyra Banks and she can get on with her life as normal. Obviously by ‘as normal’ we mean ‘presenting the next season of America’s Next Top Model from within the confines of a foot-thick crystal sphere that comes with its own oxygen supply’ but whatever.
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Rothko says
Who the hell would stalk that annoying pig? Puuuullleeeese!