Phil Spector should be updating his CV today – underneath ‘producer’ and ‘creepy oddball’ he needs to add ‘murderer’.
That’s because – although scientists had forecast that it wouldn’t end until long after humans became slaves to their evil robot overlords – the Phil Spector murder trial has finally reached its dramatic conclusion. And apparently he did it – Phil Spector has been convicted of second-degree murder.
Phil Spector now faces a mandatory life sentence, reflecting the tragedy of the situation. Not that he shot Lana Clarkson, you understand, but that he didn’t shoot the person responsible for all his batty old lesbian wigs.
Well who’d have thunk. Phil Spector – the freakishly reclusive music producer mostly famous for his 30-year habit of furiously waving loaded guns in the faces of an endless parade of terrified women – shot a woman in the face and killed her. Weird, we know.
Yesterday – after six years, two criminal trials, countless lawyers, an almost comical repetition of the phrase ‘spatter pattern’ and a never-ending array of ill-advised, vastly unsuitable wigs that only served the purpose of making Phil Spector look like an army of very slightly different conservative lesbians with respiratory disfunction and a worrying case of delirium tremors brought on by a lifelong addiction to port – Phil Spector was convicted of the murder of Lana Clarkson, the actress turned waitress whose only crime was to accompany Phil Spector home and possibly suck him off on the night of her death.
Here’s how The LA Times reported the verdict:
As a Superior Court clerk pronounced the word “guilty,” Spector’s mouth gaped slightly, but he quickly returned to the stoic expression he has worn throughout his legal proceedings. The verdict of second-degree murder with the use of a firearm means the 69-year-old Spector faces a mandatory life prison term when he is sentenced May 29. He must serve at least 18 years before being eligible for parole.
Phil Spector must have had a suspicion that this verdict was coming. He’d already escaped one trial – which we reported in tedious detail here – thanks to the jury’s inability to reach a decision, and most of the subtle technicalities of the prosecutors’ case helped to paint a picture of murder rather than suicide.
For instance, one of the last things that Lana Clarkson ever did was buy several pairs of shoes, which doesn’t seem like the act of a suicidal woman. And also, when you’re on trial for killing a woman by shooting her in the head, it’s probably best not to have a history of repeatedly shouting that all women were “fucking cunts [who] all deserve a bullet in their fucking heads.” You know, the little things.
And looking at him yesterday, you could see that the fight had gone from Phil Spector. His body was stooped, his eyes dejected, and he was wearing a wig that made him look like a lesbian who doesn’t wash rather than a lesbian who spends a great deal of leisure time aboard cruise ships. He knew this was coming.
But still, let’s not be sad that Phil Spector has been convicted of the murder that everyone pretty much suspected he did from the outset. Prison offers a number of opportunities to a man like Phil Spector. Admittedly that list of opportunities can essentially be boiled down to a) getting his hair done in cornrows and b) being the victim of repeated anal rape, but beggars can’t be choosers.
Plus Phil Spector plans to appeal against the verdict, so if worst comes to worst this case will continue to rumble on listlessly until the end of time. Hooray!
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Shooty* says
I wonder if Dexter was the blood splatter pattern analyst. That would be cool.
Tom J says
Look at that, Phil Spector still exists! This could have been big news if it happened last year when a few people actually gave a crap about his trial.
Afterburner says
Well Phil will be Da Do Run Run Running frum BuBBa. HA!!
He may not be a sweet young thing anymore, But he’ll do in a POKE. HA!!