Facebook is a hive of shameless narcissism and self promotion. No profile is complete without the painfully posed shots of people having that ‘crazy nyt owt dat woz totally mad n that LOL!’
Or status updates that mistake themselves for mid-80s standup and invariably begin with ‘what’s with…’, before trying too hard to make a mundane observation into something entertaining.
There is another breed of Facebooker that doesn’t try at all to make themselves interesting.
So dull are this particular breed that they seem to have foresaken their own identities in order to live the fantasy lives of the famous and the fictional.
And here at Hecklerspray we have decided to come up with the five funniest.
Well, we had nothing better to do.
5.?Gates Bill
Not a particularly lively profile. Gates Bill seems to have only posted one status since opening the account and that was in September.
Perhaps this is keeping in character, the real Bill Gates doesn’t exactly make in on to many ‘would most like to have a beer with” lists.
But there is one reason to love this profile. Gates Bill is engaged to Jobs Steve. Awww, the supergeeks have found love. Or maybe not, remember that one post from way back in September?
It reads: ‘iPad sucks’ and has Jobs tagged. Trouble in paradise? Let’s investigate.
4.?Jobs Steve
Now this is more like it! ‘Jobs’ seems to be a more lively profile. It’s got videos on it and everything!
And 100 more friends than Gates! Jobs’ picture is a rather spooky headshot of the bespectacled Buddhist sporting his trademark turtleneck.
Although he does seem to be from San Diego, not San Francisco this profile goes much further than Gates with being entertaining. Aside from the predictable inclusion of video ads for iPad and Iphone 4G there are some worryingly nonsensical statuses.
A particular favourite is “All who want the property of steve :( bastards” Which makes us wonder if Gates Bill is driving some sort of hard divorce settlement. Which may explain the picture of Gates and Jobs further up the page, they stare lovingling at eachother with teeth bared like angry wolverines.
3. Will’s Mum (From The Inbetweeners)
The Inbetweeneers. If you’ve seen it, you’ll know Will’s mum. If not, you won’t. For want of a better phrase Will’s mum is a MILF.
And that is really what makes this page so entertaining, the legions of pubescent young men getting all hot under the collar about Mrs McKenzie and rather presumptuous statements about sexual acts they intend to perform on her.
While this is a reflection on just how accurate the show is on the topic of testosterone-fuelled fantasy lives it does raise several important questions. Firstly, how much Lego can you…… And, secondly, who the hell set this up?
Who really wants to be Will’s Mum? Who is sitting at their computer, reading filthy comments about backdoors and hinges. And that has nothing to do with home improvements.
As OPM famously sange before drifting off into obscurity, Heaven is a Halfpipe. This guy seems to take this quite literally.
While hanging fro ma crucifix made of skateboards Jesus preaches to his congregation of over 5’000 followers. Whoever this guy really is, he does really well at keeping up they act.
While some may describe his photo gallery as ‘blasphemous‘, we prefer to call it ‘well worth a look’. As well as being a skater, Jesus is clearly a Photoshop nerd too.
The best feature of Skateboarding Jesus’ profile are the statuses. Inbetween the litter of videos and links left as offerings at the altar left by devotees, Jesus has repaid their devotion with well-crafted verses from his own version of the Bible, ‘for if you forgive other people when they snake you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you’. Matthew 6:14
1. Stormtrooper
His interests include ‘killing rebels’, ‘space exploration’ and ‘the imperial march’. His holiday snaps show him enjoying slides, his scantily-clad lady trooper wife and hugs from random Japanese men.?At least we assume he’s enjoying them, it really isn’t easy to tell.
He seems like somewhat of a hellraiser, being arrested by the NYPD and posting pictures of himself on the toilet. Although nowhere near as popular as Skateboarding Jesus, he is far more entertaining.
And that’s not to take anything away from the Holy Roller, Stormtrooper clearly lives and breathes his stormtrooper way of life. He posts about his working day: ‘Work is gonna suck tomorrow.?Slaving around a hot ass reactor core like a damn Geonosian.”
And while he clearly loves his work, it seems as though years of loyal service to the Galactic Empire could be taking their toll: “Have you ever contemplated the guilt you would have to live with if you had to kill an Ewok? Casualties of war man.”
We hope these kinds of comments are just part of the character and not the introspective soul searching of a genuinely PTSD-afflicted Imperial servant. That would make us feel bad about laughing at him.
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Skateboarding Jesus says
Go forth and SK8 in peace.
SBJ