Right, let’s get this straight off the bat. We’re not talking about Sharon Stones or Demi Moores or anyone who could legitimately be called a milf.
They’re far too young for us. We’re talking old old ladies here – you know, the thought with false teeth and blue hair and saggy tights and arthritis and osteoporosis and cataracts and weak little voices. The ones who are visibly disintegrating in front of our eyes. Oh God, we’re going to have to stop writing this intro. We’re getting too turned on.
Look, here are the top ten sexiest old ladies from films. You might disagree with this list, but you’d be wrong. And a pervert…
10 – Ada Quonsett, Airport
Helen Hayes won an Oscar for her portrayal of Ada Quonsett in 1970. But she wouldn’t need to do any acting if she was alone with us. UNDERSTAND?
9 – The ‘I know who did it’ lady, Headless Eyes
This old lady knows who did it. But we know who’s going to get it. Oh, we know alright. OH YEAH!
8 – Momma, Throw Momma From The Train
Her ovaries have already produced Danny DeVito. Sounds like it’s time for us to get digging around up there to see what else they can do. Grrr!
7 – Rose DeWitt Bukater, Titanic
We need to make an important clarification here – we’re not talking about Kate Winslet‘s version of Rose. We mean the blotchy old Rose at the start of the film. She may have seen some terrible atrocities in her time, but none as bad as if we got hold of her. Hot damn!
6 – Heather, Don’t Look Now
You see that bit in the trailer where the blind old lady starts screaming “Yes!” again and again? We wants to get us some of those muffins! MMMMM!
5 – Jane Hudson, Whatever Happened To Baby Jane?
You know what’s sexier than an old lady? An old lady DRESSED AS A CHILD! Woof!
4 – Sarah Goldfarb, Requiem For A Dream
But only right at the end, after she goes mad and has most of her hair shaved off. We’re not weird.
3 – The old spider-lady from the Legion trailer, Legion
Yeah, that baby’s not going to be the only thing that burns, old lady. Not after you’ve spent an afternoon on our rotating bed with us. PHEW!
2 – Miss Daisy, Driving Miss Daisy
If we were ever an old black man in the American south in the first half of the 20th century, and we were hired to drive Jessica Tandy around, and Jessica Tandy responded by teaching us to read, the first thing we’d read would be the label on the inside of her knickers. Hello!
1 – Mrs Potts, Beauty And The Beast
Oh God, Mrs Potts is just about the sexiest thing we’ve ever seen. She’s a) an old woman, b) full of wisdom and c) A COMPLETELY CERAMIC TEAPOT. Oh, we know what we’d like to do with that spout. We’d like to put it up our bum. That’s what we were getting at. Pyow!
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Steve Charnock says
Are you alright, Stuart…?
Oli says
Loved this SO HARD.
The Scumbag says
Important ground covered, Stu.
Kate Sayer says
You forgot this one!
hoohaahee says
pretty sick, stu.