Now let’s be clear. Addiction is nothing to laugh at. Unless it’s sex addiction, because that’s sort of hilarious.
Oh come on, it is. Look at Tiger Woods. If he was addicted to heroin? Tragic. Drugs? Awful. Gambling? Upsetting. But he’s not. Tiger Woods is addicted to sex. He’s even gone to rehab for it. What sex rehab involves is anyone’s guess – we’d assume it’s a mixture of STD textbooks and pole dances from Lisa Riley from You’ve Been Framed – but sexaholism definitely is a real illness that exists. It is. You get it when you’re addicted to sexahol.
Don’t believe us? Fine – here are 10 horny-arsed celebrities who’d be only too happy to change your mind. Or hump your leg. One or the other…
10 – Billy Bob Thornton
Good old Billy Bob Thornton. In 2002 it was reported that he underwent treatment for sex addiction to save his failing marriage to Angelina Jolie, only to somehow end up screwing his sex therapist. And who can blame her? Just look at the stone-cold sexual charisma emanating from in the video above. That is charisma, by the way, not needless dickishness.
9 – Eric Benet
Look. Cheat on your wife enough times and you can legitimately claim to be a sex addict. But cheat on your wife Halle Berry enough times and the only thing you can legitimately claim to be is a total sodding arseblanket. Still, Halle Berry’s ex-husband Benet had counselling for an apparent sex addiction last decade – a process rumoured to be described in his songs Man Enough To Cry, Cracks Of My Broken Heart and I Blew My Marriage To Halle Berry (I Must Be The Biggest Wazzock Who Ever Lived).
8 – Kari Ann Peniche
Oh Kari Ann Peniche. You’ve been in a sex tape with the crap one out of Grey’s Anatomy. You were briefly engaged to Aaron Carter. You appeared on Dr Drew’s Celebrity Rehab claiming to be addicted to sex. But are you really addicted to sex, Kari Ann Peniche, or are you just so desperate to be on TV that you would have claimed to be addicted to rubbing dogpoo into your eyes if it got you a spot on Dr Drew’s show? The jury’s out.
7 – Rob Lowe
Listen, any opportunity to mention that Rob Lowe once filmed himself having it off with a girl who turned out to be underage is just peachy with us. Luckily, in an attempt to get his career back on track afterwards, Rob went to rehab to be treated for sex addiction. But even if he hadn’t, we probably still would have mentioned the sex tape. It’s just funny, alright? IT’S JUST FUNNY.
6 – Russell Brand
Russell Brand has never been shy about his sex addiction – he even dedicated a large portion of his autobiography My Booky Wook to describing how difficult it was for him to stop poking his cocky-wock into other people’s fanny-wannies. He’s engaged to Katy Perry now, though, so never let it be said that sex addiction will stop you falling in love with a vaguely mannish one hit wonder.
5 – JFK
Proving that it’s not just dreary golfers and tiresomely androgynous comedians who enjoy having sex a lot – president Kennedy apparently cornered Harold Macmillan and told him that “If I don’t have a woman for three days, I get terrible headaches.” Rumoured to have bonked Jayne Mansfield, Angie Dickinson, Mary Pinchot Meyer, Judith Campbell Exner, Inga Arvad, Mimi Fahnestock, Marilyn Monroe, Blaze Starr, Pamela Turnure and your mum. Yes, that’s right, you heard us. Your mum had it off with JFK. In a car park. And she bloody loved it.
4 – Michael Douglas
Michael Douglas famously described himself as a sex addict in 1990. But he’s old now, so he’s probably only addicted to Werther’s Original, wetting himself and fearing the cold hand of death on his shoulder. Ha ha, human mortality is funny.
3 – David Duchovny
After starring in a television show about a sex addict, David Duchovny admitted himself into a sex addiction treatment centre in 2008 after his professional life spilled into his personal life. Maybe David Duchovny should star in a television show about a charismatic actor, and pray that the trick repeats itself. Who knows, he might end up starring in a film that isn’t completely awful that way.
2 -Tiger Woods
Apparently Tiger Woods had some sex with some women. You may have heard about it.
1 – Catherine The Great
Between 1762 and 1796 Catherine II ruled Russia, if not with an iron fist then at least with a cast-iron vagina. Catherine’s voracious thirst for sex was enough to make Tiger Woods look like Ned Flanders – rumour has it that she enjoyed affairs with countless young men and then died by being crushed to death while attempting intercourse with a horse. That last bit has never been proved – but what’s she going to do, sue us? Hardly, the horse-shagging old divvy.
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rebel49 says
Why don’t you shut the hell up about Duchovny? You could have used a photo of Tiger Woods. Hasn’t DD taken enough heat?
Zemlor says
Someday, you all will feel the cold hand of death on your shoulder. Live now.
Sinead says
“Michael Douglas famously described himself as a sex addict in 1990. But he
withheld says
Yeah, if you’re going to actually live, you cant do it in a haze of chasing sex to avoid your actual feelings, relationships, wreckage of your past etc. Thats why people go into recovery for addictions, and the ones who stay in denial end up living and dying alone, angry, and selfish.
David says
I can see this was written to poke fun at Hollywood + its ‘woe is me’ stars, while real people are stuck at home sinking under their mortgages without the $ that these celebrities all get.
But by giving them more attention I don’t think it solves anything.
Mike says
Sex addiction (sexahiolism) is not something to laugh about.
I am deeply offended by this text.